(Ed. Note - The following column is part of a weekly special to The Whiff written by Your Resident Chief. He'll be providing his insights on various subjects each and every Wednesday.)
If you’re like me, you love watching sports. Yet you also pride yourself on your uncanny ability to accomplish a remarkable number of tasks in a span of two to three minutes – approximately the span of the average commercial break in, say, a playoff football game.
Yet if there’s only one game a year that you stay put for as long as physically possible, it’s coming up this Sunday. Advertisers lick their chops, aware that they will have football fan and non-football fan alike as a captive audience, probably reluctant to give up the seat that was claimed hours before the big game started. You guessed it, my friends, the commercials awaiting you this Sunday during the Superbowl will be some of the best of the year. But before looking into the future, one should relish the memory of some recent classics…..
Favorites from recent years – just to jog your memory. If you don’t remember these then maybe you should ask someone else to warm up the queso dip during the commercial break. Just a small sample of what has held our attention moments at a time in years past, broken down into a couple themes that reappear annually.
Sex sells
GoDaddy.com – remember that skimpy white tee-shirt? In a recent ad, this very shirt causes one older executive to need an oxygen mask after the spaghetti-string strap snaps off. What is GoDaddy.com? I have no idea.
Doritos commercial in Laundromat with Ali Landry. Ali wants me to eat chips? Okay.
Lynx body spray = Thousands of bikini clad girls running/swimming/clawing their way towards the one dude on the beach with a can of Lynx You can literally see the suits at Axe going, “Wait a minute….”
New Technology (Broad? – Yes. Neither you nor I have all day.)
Verizon Wireless – The out-of shape guy who doesn’t belong in the training room sits down on a trainer’s table next to a football player twice his size, watches the football player’s finger get popped back into place without so much as a flinch by the “tough guy.” Clearly too much for the first guy, as he faints and ends up on the floor. This was an ad to suggest that while you may not belong in pro football you can still get INSIDE THE GAME with some extra feature that comes at the new low rate of $59.99/month.
A quintessential example of a commercial that you talk about the next day and say, “Wait what was that for?”
Enough with this technology business – let’s move on to the most commonly discussed…
Beer
Budweiser –
Choosing a couple that touches on a slightly different technique than attempting to draw the quick laugh like its healthier (what?) sibling Bud Light:
Clydesdale horses facing off in a game of football, waiting on the review of an instant replay. I believe the comment by the farmer with the southern twang went something like, “This ref’s a jackass.” The ref is, of course, a zebra. If I have to expound upon the comparison of a zebra and a ref in this context….well then I’m speechless. I have no speech.
Stadium of people holding up signs to simulate the filling up and drinking of a tall glass of icy, cold, refreshing, delicious….sorry – Budweiser. Actually advertising the beer itself – amazing!
The “turn back the clock” (but not that far) favorite – Bud Light Frogs. Still imitated to this day, slightly less annoying than the recreation of the “Wazzzuuuup!” ad. You win, Anheuser-Busch.
Bud Light -
These have proven to be some of the steadiest performers over the years; equal if not superior performers to the competition – the Miller Lite commercials. Often not relating much or at all to the beer, these commercials are great to count on for a quick chuckle, and often rank among the most talked about the next day.
The slap in the face serves as the new fist bump, which had gone out of style. Works well until the young professional who probably boozes it up on the weekends and sleeps until
The Magic fridge - need I explain?
Busch Light – Just kidding. I’m pretty sure the ad budget hovers somewhere around….zero.
Just to get you warmed up and pumped up for this Sunday evening when it will cost companies millions but you only minutes that will no doubt be quite entertaining. A look ahead at what is to come….
2008 Superbowl commericals
Belden Jewlers – A man scratches his unshaven beard in a Nightmare he does not know he is currently involved in. In this nightmare this man is confused as to why his wife is staring blankly down at a pair of tickets to a Knicks game. “Happy Valentine’s Day” he utters in a wavering tone, somewhat softer than usual, already realizing that his gift is less than appreciated. His wife promptly changes from calm to enraged, tearing the tickets to shreds in one fell swoop, then screaming at him that they are finished as a couple. Before taking a sledgehammer to his big screen t.v., she pauses and tells him that the only thing that would have saved their relationship was a pair of diamond earrings from Belden Jewlers. The man awakes in a cold sweat, grabs the wallet and leaves to go get some bling as “Go straight to the hearrrrrrt” plays in the background.
Mastercard – A set of irons? $900. An obnoxious Hawaiian shirt? $49. A strawberry daiquiri from the bar by the beach? $7. Helping a Colts quarterback forget about his team’s poor performance in the playoffs while still fulfilling his need to appear in at least one Superbowl commercial? Priceless.
Reebok – (As a replacement for Terry Tate, who found himself tangled in a number of personal injury lawsuits, Reebok hires a cast of characters designed to reduce the desire for employees to socialize during the workday. Although Reebok had to spend some ad dollars buying gear for their crew, all appears to be going smoothly…). The first day of the campaign went well, as the company brought in Tom Cruise to go from cubicle to cubicle to talk Scientology, played a recording of Fran Drescher’s voice in the break and lunch rooms, and had a lunch catered by Subway and served by the Clay Henry/Jared tandem. The company chose to conclude the day with appearances by Andy Dick, Carrot Top, and Alfonso Ribeiro, better known as
Trojan Condoms – Tom Brady walks into a 7-eleven. Enough said.
Scott Tissue – Noises of surprised pleasure emanating from the innermost regions of the Men’s room. A toilet flushes. A faucet runs, then stops. A moment of silence, confusion fills the air in the hallway as people who should be working pause to await the opening of
the men’s room door. The Man from the Men’s Room emerges. Looks are cast his way as people in the hall inaudibly search for reason behind the noises. The Man looks down to his Timberland boot to find that a sheet of “Scotts New Extra-Soft Quadruple-Ply Bath Tissue with Four Times the Softness” is stuck to his boot. He looks up and into the eyes of the befuddled onlookers. He looks back down and points to the piece of bathroom tissue, then continues on his way, clearly content to leave the sheet attached to the boot, a pleased look upon his face.
(I give my roommate Brian credit for this idea, as he was particularly upset that he had never seen a toilet paper commercial before that didn’t involve someone enjoying the softness on their face.)
Here’s to another year of enjoying your role as an absolute couch potato. Cheers!
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