Kutler's Rant

(Ed. Note - Kutler's Rant appears every Monday on The Whiff. Kutler is angry. Angry about a lot of things. Rather than have him rain blows down upon his co-workers, family, and friends, he channels that anger in his rant column each week. Enjoy)

What's up you jokers? My name is Kutler. It is pronounced exactly how it looks. Cut-ler. [Kuht-ler] if this were a dictionary. It is not Coot-ler or Kot-lore, nor is it Cut-la. Cut-la sounds like a rapper who set out to lay down some raw, in-your-face cuts about one of the many various lifestyles known as "the game," only to fail and ultimately end up on a list like this.
Worst Rapper Names
It is also not Coulier (kool-yay), the name that was used to address me last night as I was solicited for money over the phone. Coulier? Really? The "cut it out" guy who wore bad sweaters on Full House and couldn't play a lick of hockey? And you want how much of my money? Well, zero is what you will get. Maybe if you would've called me Estevez you organization would be a bit better off right now. At least he made Bombay look semi-believable. You really do need soft hands for those eggs.

What? That degenerated pretty fast. didn't it? I kind of got going on a rant there. It doesn't take much for me to get fired up, which is perhaps why Axel has invited my aboard. I am best when I come straight and spit that fire, son!

This happens to be Super Bowl week, when every so-called expert and pundit of the "National Football League" makes predictions that will ultimately be zero percent accurate on what will occur in Sunday's championship game. This leads me to some red-faced rants on things associated with the game of American Football.

1. Has anyone notice that just about every announcer and half-witted color sidekick on TV must keep reminding us what league we are watching? You might here this while watching this week's coverage: "As a young player, he is finding out that speed in the National Football league is faster than it was in the college game. In the National Football League, a player has to adapt to the quickness if he wants to stay in the National Football League.. Having enough quickness to make a play on the football is the key to success in the National Football League." Overkill! I know our collective memory and attention spans have been shot to hell by TV and video games, but i didn't forget the league name in the last ten seconds! "NFL" would be fine. And when did simply saying things like "the quarterback threw the ball" cease to be enough, instead of saying "the football." Hmm, so they seem to play football with this strange "foot-ball." I could've sworn they did it with a golf ball.

2. Speaking of game coverage, what's with the pregame show material these days? Listen, I don't care if Gibril Wilson has a pet dog that is trained to attacking anything named Brady, or if Archie Manning withheld food until Cooper, Peyton, and Eli perfected pre-snap cadence in the backyard. All I want, and all we need as fans getting ready to watch a game is to see how Team A lines up against Team B. This means actual game film! Enough puff pieces and lame studio stammering. Somebody please save Ron Jaworski from Kornheiser and put him back on Edge NFL Matchup. Jaws can really break down film, but he just forgot momentarily during Super Bowl XV.

3. Prevent defense - Why oh why do "football" teams in the "National Football League" go into The Prevent. Coaches must thinki, "Let's see, we are winning this game and the other team has to drive pretty far to score. How bout we got soft and let them gain 15 yards a clip?" No! I understand that the clock is the biggest obstacle facing a team trying to score with little time left but to score they have to move down the field. Come on!

4. The Running Into / Roughing the Kicker penalty is a killer. The defense does its job and the opposing coach decides to kick. On the kick a player breaks through and jumps in midair. Scenario A) he blocks the kick! In doing so, his momentum carries him. There is a dash to recover the fumble. The guy who blocks it is the man. Scenario B) he just misses blocking the kick and his momentum carries him forward. During the kicker's follow through, his leg comes down and lands on the player, making the kicker fall and gyrate on the ground like a weasel. Out comes the yellow flag and a first down. The offense comes back and goes on to score and everyone hates the player who nearly blocked the kick. That player then goes out to a bar that night and gets drunk and into a fight, causing the pundits to question the character of the "National Football League."
*Note - Since I am small in stature but possess strong legs, I would be a kicker if I played football. This means I would participate in this charade while wearing a Landetta one-bar facemask.

BONUS SUPER BOWL MINI RANTS

1. "The team that has won the coin toss has a record of...." Just stop.
2. Fox please do not show every celebrity in the stands at the game. I'm glad Jim Belushi has a new show. He could use the work. But I did not (and never will) tune into the E! Network. The football game is ON THE FIELD!
3. Oh, one final thing Fox, nothing SCREAMS football like Ryan Seacrest.