(Ed. Note - Kenny Perez will be writing each and every Tuesday with his column, "Retro Active." It will discuss current events in the sports world and beyond, and will conclude with weekly awards that are by no means standard or orthodox.)
So this past weekend, I attended my annual college alumni event. My goal heading into the event (besides getting the creative juices flowing at the open bar, eating a gluttonous amount of macaroni n cheese, and then subsequently white guy dancing to every song as if I were in the “Dancing in the Dark” video) was to limit myself to no more than two stop and chats.
As the night progressed, I was achieving my no stop and chat goal. Stop and chat #1 occurred with a dude who I (speaking with a staunch record of heterosexuality) had a Dan Cortese-like man crush on through most of senior year. As the night drew to a close, I knew I had one more stop and chat left so tried to burn it with an ex-girlfriend who I had not seen or heard from in nearly three years; however, she totally snubbed me! The truly devastating part was that she had really let herself go, and I write this not in a superficial way, but in terms of health in general. Granted, I, personally, could stand to lose a couple (increments of ten) pounds, but historically, I feel that the female population has viewed me as more of a hair than a head. But this got me to thinking, what other prolific figures from my adolescence had also given in to buttering up donuts…
This Week’s (In No Particular Order) Fab Five…
Prolific (Not Necessarily Heroic) Figures From my Childhood Who Now Look Terrible…
1. Bo Jackson
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Once did 550 consecutive sit ups…while lying on a bed of nails…just three days before busting out a 221 yard rushing performance vs. the Seahawks on MNF.
Just a Dreg of Society: Successfully completed 5 sit ups…while lying in bed…attempting to eat a piece of prime rib dangling above him.
2. Tony Gwynn
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Set an NL record by stealing 5 stolen bases in a game.
Just a Dreg of Society: Set an ESPN record for most funnel cakes eaten during a postseason broadcast.
3. Tonya Harding
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Was the first American woman to complete a triple axel jump in competition.
Just a Dreg of Society: Was the first American woman to complete 13 breakfast combos at her local Waffle House.
4. Eddie Money
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Celebrated the success of “Take Me Home Tonight” by literally taking home and having his way with, a then personal best, five women in one night.
Just a Dreg of Society: Tips the Death Star bathroom scale at a daunting 250 LBS after binge eating three Ewoks, seven Klondike bars, half a tuna sandwich, and a sleeve of Oreos.
Now to this week’s If That’s What You’re Into’s…
Coach Who Squeezed the Most Out of His Players’ Mind Grapes:
PJ Carlesimo – 14 Losses in a Row! Yikes…Those are definitely Sour Grapes.
Ace of the Week:
Novak Djokovic – After brilliantly knocking off the omnipotent Roger Federer (in straight sets!), goes on to win the Aussie Open.
The Jake Plummer Best Press Photo of the Week:
Lawrence “Don’t Call me Larry” Tynes – Aqua Velva?
Old Wrestler to Waste 10 Minutes Wiki-ing:
The Enforcer Arn Anderson
Here Comes Treble – Song I am Listening to Right Now:
The Shins – Kissing the Lipless
Social Gaffe of the Week:
Just days after the shocking death of Hollywood Superstar Brad Renfro, teen heartthrob, Heath Ledger, is found dead in his NY apartment, leaving the nation in a gripping state of depression not seen since the suicide of the guy who got kicked out of the Gin Blossoms right before “Allison Road” shot up the charts.
Scrabble Fan Word of the Week:
Quone – Used medically, to quone something.
Classic SNL Skit to Quote of the Week:
Todd Blanston is…The Whipmaster!
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92nwhipmaster.phtml
Fearless Prediction of the Week:
Tom Petty’s Halftime Setlist: Listen to Her Heart, Free Fallin’, You Wreck Me, Runnin’ Down a Dream, American Girl
As the night progressed, I was achieving my no stop and chat goal. Stop and chat #1 occurred with a dude who I (speaking with a staunch record of heterosexuality) had a Dan Cortese-like man crush on through most of senior year. As the night drew to a close, I knew I had one more stop and chat left so tried to burn it with an ex-girlfriend who I had not seen or heard from in nearly three years; however, she totally snubbed me! The truly devastating part was that she had really let herself go, and I write this not in a superficial way, but in terms of health in general. Granted, I, personally, could stand to lose a couple (increments of ten) pounds, but historically, I feel that the female population has viewed me as more of a hair than a head. But this got me to thinking, what other prolific figures from my adolescence had also given in to buttering up donuts…
This Week’s (In No Particular Order) Fab Five…
Prolific (Not Necessarily Heroic) Figures From my Childhood Who Now Look Terrible…
1. Bo Jackson
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Once did 550 consecutive sit ups…while lying on a bed of nails…just three days before busting out a 221 yard rushing performance vs. the Seahawks on MNF.
2. Tony Gwynn
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Set an NL record by stealing 5 stolen bases in a game.
Just a Dreg of Society: Set an ESPN record for most funnel cakes eaten during a postseason broadcast.3. Tonya Harding
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Was the first American woman to complete a triple axel jump in competition.
Just a Dreg of Society: Was the first American woman to complete 13 breakfast combos at her local Waffle House.
4. Eddie Money
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Celebrated the success of “Take Me Home Tonight” by literally taking home and having his way with, a then personal best, five women in one night.
Just a Dreg of Society: Celebrated the success of waking up not in a pile of his own vomit by being forcibly removed from a strip joint and beaten, by a new personal best, five police officers.
5. Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Tips the universal advantage to the Jedi Council after being trained by Obi Wan.
5. Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Tips the universal advantage to the Jedi Council after being trained by Obi Wan.
Just a Dreg of Society: Tips the Death Star bathroom scale at a daunting 250 LBS after binge eating three Ewoks, seven Klondike bars, half a tuna sandwich, and a sleeve of Oreos.
Now to this week’s If That’s What You’re Into’s…
Coach Who Squeezed the Most Out of His Players’ Mind Grapes:
PJ Carlesimo – 14 Losses in a Row! Yikes…Those are definitely Sour Grapes.
Ace of the Week:
Novak Djokovic – After brilliantly knocking off the omnipotent Roger Federer (in straight sets!), goes on to win the Aussie Open.
The Jake Plummer Best Press Photo of the Week:
Lawrence “Don’t Call me Larry” Tynes – Aqua Velva?
Old Wrestler to Waste 10 Minutes Wiki-ing:
The Enforcer Arn Anderson
Here Comes Treble – Song I am Listening to Right Now:
The Shins – Kissing the Lipless
Social Gaffe of the Week:
Just days after the shocking death of Hollywood Superstar Brad Renfro, teen heartthrob, Heath Ledger, is found dead in his NY apartment, leaving the nation in a gripping state of depression not seen since the suicide of the guy who got kicked out of the Gin Blossoms right before “Allison Road” shot up the charts.
Scrabble Fan Word of the Week:
Quone – Used medically, to quone something.
Classic SNL Skit to Quote of the Week:
Todd Blanston is…The Whipmaster!
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92nwhipmaster.phtml
Fearless Prediction of the Week:
Tom Petty’s Halftime Setlist: Listen to Her Heart, Free Fallin’, You Wreck Me, Runnin’ Down a Dream, American Girl
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