Each year when the Super Bowl comes and goes, the week following is filled with complaints about the lack of sports excitement until March Madness and the baseball season. Joe Sports Fan whines and moans about not knowing what to do with his weekends, or that he can’t consistently get drunk now because he has nothing to watch. He also can’t yell at the TV and at other people for no reason.
But what we’re really overlooking is what everyone involved in the whole football machine is going to do for the next few months. Baseball players have it easy: they are done when the weather starts to get cold, and begin again when it starts to get warm. An easy solution for them is to spend the offseason in a warmer climate, and take some time off. But football players have to get through February - May without much to do but work out and practice touchdown dances. And it’s not just the players, but so many individuals rely on the “football industry” for their occupation, and now have time on their hands.
Here’s a look at what various NFL-based people are doing with their time off:
Eli Manning: Taking the next six weeks to finally finish the only book in his house, “Hop on Pop.”
Tom Brady: Spending time in Belichick’s lair developing new schemes for on and off the field (many involving fake footwear and fudging injury reports).
John Madden: Going to Germany where a group of pigment scientists will determine over the next four months what you call the color of his eyebrows.
Mercury Morris: Yelling at kids in his neighborhood from his front porch when they make mistakes, uttering, “I was perfect in ’72! That terrible whiffle ball pitch just excluded you from being in the club!”
Chris Berman: Devoting 100% of his time to focusing on how to go through next season with the same cliches, bad jokes, and crappy nicknames he’s used for the last 25 seasons.
Emmitt Smith: Reading a dictionary.
Keyshawn Johnson: Coming up with ways to say he was a better receiver than various present-day receivers.
Andrea Kramer: Playing Halo for hours on end.
Chad Johnson: Dancing in the dark.
Al Davis: Having a staring/staring at the grim reaper contest with Larry King (“Houston hello!”).
But what we’re really overlooking is what everyone involved in the whole football machine is going to do for the next few months. Baseball players have it easy: they are done when the weather starts to get cold, and begin again when it starts to get warm. An easy solution for them is to spend the offseason in a warmer climate, and take some time off. But football players have to get through February - May without much to do but work out and practice touchdown dances. And it’s not just the players, but so many individuals rely on the “football industry” for their occupation, and now have time on their hands.
Here’s a look at what various NFL-based people are doing with their time off:
Eli Manning: Taking the next six weeks to finally finish the only book in his house, “Hop on Pop.”
Tom Brady: Spending time in Belichick’s lair developing new schemes for on and off the field (many involving fake footwear and fudging injury reports).
John Madden: Going to Germany where a group of pigment scientists will determine over the next four months what you call the color of his eyebrows.
Mercury Morris: Yelling at kids in his neighborhood from his front porch when they make mistakes, uttering, “I was perfect in ’72! That terrible whiffle ball pitch just excluded you from being in the club!”
Chris Berman: Devoting 100% of his time to focusing on how to go through next season with the same cliches, bad jokes, and crappy nicknames he’s used for the last 25 seasons.
Emmitt Smith: Reading a dictionary.
Keyshawn Johnson: Coming up with ways to say he was a better receiver than various present-day receivers.
Andrea Kramer: Playing Halo for hours on end.
Chad Johnson: Dancing in the dark.
Al Davis: Having a staring/staring at the grim reaper contest with Larry King (“Houston hello!”).
Belichick’s video crew: Spending a spring retreat visiting with James Bond’s spy crew, picking up new ideas.
Brady Quinn: Signing more endorsement deals, throwing less footballs.
Dennis Green: Drinking a lot of Coors Light.
Bill Parcells: Watching Tivo-ed episodes of “Two and a Half Men.”
T.O.: Practicing showing various emotions in front of a mirror.
Ray Lewis: Pretending he is a militant leader. In front of children.
The Redskins Hogs: Spending hours and hours in therapy.
Michael Vick: Writing to the county board in hopes of raising money for a library at the prison. Then asking new friend Red to get him a poster of Rita Heyworth.
Mel Kiper: Oiling up until April’s draft.
(note: last week’s Hump Up the Jams prediction of Tiger winning yet again came true. But then again, it wasn’t actually going out on a limb to predict that.)
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And Hump up the Jams they will! - Phil Hartman
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