Lay the Points

Football is long gone by this weekend, and right now you have two options: basketball and elitist sports (tennis, golf, skiing, etc.). For the casual sports fan, this is the perfect time to hone in on college basketball. If you start paying attention now, you’ll be all caught up by March Madness and will be able to use all of your “knowledge” to make your “expert” bracket picks.

If you are focusing on the elitist sports, you’ll get a two-fold reward: first, you’ll be entertained or at least have something that holds your attention span until baseball season starts; second, you’ll be fantasizing about being in the places these athletes are and doing what they are doing.

That’s the great thing about the elitist sports. Most of the time you don’t have to be an well-seasoned athlete to play them or attempt to play them. So, Joe Sports Fan can participate. And when you watch them on TV in February, they are always in a place you wish you could be instead of in the crappy cold weather you are currently in. Golf and tennis are always in nice, tropical locales. And skiing, though in a cold climate, is in a nice, luxurious climate with lots of hot chicks.

But the best thing about the elitist sports are that they bring out the Incredible Hulk in each and every one of us. They are easy enough to participate in, yet tough enough to make you want to run sans coolats through a field of cacti. It’s like if you go golfing and you are pretty bad, but your friend in the same group is really really bad, you can enjoy your round a little more because eventually that guy will go absolutely nuts.

Personally, I am much more a fan of the guy who quietly sucks all round and then flips out rather than the guy who swears twenty times the entire 18 holes. You can wait and watch the first guy build up more and more and more, then usually when he snaps, he breaks/throws a club, blames someone else, or disrupts a lot of other golfers on the course. The rule of thumb is to not make eye contact with that guy for at least five minutes. He isn’t himself, and if he thinks you are mocking him or enjoying the tirade, he might kill you. This also works for tennis, which is even funnier because there’s nowhere to run. If one guy throws his racquet at you, he has to come pick it up and resume play.

So take this weekend to kick back and enjoy the elitist sports. There isn’t much going on that would be worth gambling your money. You can watch college basketball and places some bets, but until the end of this month, it won’t be worth it to lay money down.
(Sidenote: I did pick the Giants to win by 3 last week. Sucka!)

But here are the odds of what YOU are going to be doing this weekend:

You will watch a DVD: 2-1
You will watch a DVD starring Sylvester Stallone: 4-1
You will watch a DVD starring Sylvester Stallone

and Wesley Snipes: 5-1

You will consume at least one of those 99 cent bags of chips in one sitting: 1-1 (they say on the nutritional facts of those bags that there are 2.5 servings in each! Come on! If you know anyone who eats one of those little bags in more than two servings, pour a beer on them the next time you see them)

You will binge drink: 1-3
You will sleep past 1pm: 2-1
You will eat a sandwich between the hours of 2am and 4am: 1-1
You will regret eating a sandwich the next morning: 1-5
You will dance to rap music: 4-1
You will embarrass yourself while dancing: 6-1