It's Friday...

.....and I just want to DANCE - DANCE - DANCE!!!

It's Friday....

...and I just want to dance, dance, DANCE!

Lebron Scores 50, Then Gets Bashful When a Fan Rushes the Court

If you didn't catch it last night or the highlights this morning, LBJ was doing his thing last night, putting up modest numbers of 50 points and 10 assists in a win over the Knicks.

But the added excitement from the game happened when a rabid Lebron fan rushed the court to get a chance to talk to James. The weird thing is, the guy looks like a young Damon Jones:

What was even more odd was Lebron's reaction to the fan:

"It was a great feeling, when you get a fan to come down there and express the way he feels about you," James said.

"He said he loved the way I play and that I was his favorite player. That never happens. I respect him. I respect his pride. For him to come out there and tell me something like that, it's [one of the most] unbelievable things that ever happened to me."

When reporters asked if he wasn't a little bit scared by the situation, James grinned and said, "I'm 6-9, 260. I'm all right."

Good old Lebron. He still gets butterflies in his stomach when a madman races towards him.

Alternate Take on Spring Training

The dish on a few teams in Grapefruit and Catcus Leagues that you won't get from ESPN.

Seattle Mariners -

All signs point to a promising season for talented young hurler Felix Hernandez, who has allegedly looked quite impressive thus far in spring training.

Erik Bedard, on the other hand, has looked like quite the tool in his interactions with the spring training media. (Yet again, I don’t have reporters in my face everyday…)

Nonetheless, after a not so ace-like start in a game against the Giants last week, Bedard answered a couple of questions, then told reporters, “This is way too many questions.” Were you confused as to what it was that the reporters were going to be doing, Erik?

At least you have to hand it to the guy - he showed his consistency in interviewing, which is really what you should look for in an opening day starter, if you ask me. Before answering any questions after a good solid, yet short outing against the Angels, Bedard laid out some ground rules.
“You’ve got four questions,” Bedard said. When one reporter asked, “why four?” Bedard responded with “That’s one.”

Erik is sure to become best friends with the reporters using this method of answering questions; a relationship that is sure to grow and flourish should any of the five promising players the Mariners sent to Baltimore have any sort of an impact at Camden Yards.

I think my question for him would be why he spells his name E-R-I-K.


Boston Red Sox -

Some may know of closer Jonathan Papelbon’s displeasure with Red Sox management over a contract agreement, as the closer is only was only paid $425,000 last year and is not in line to receive much more under the collective bargaining agreement that the players association negotiated. My recommendation to the Sox’ Suits to ease this tension and come to an agreement is to allow the closer to dance to Footloose before each of his appearances. No more Michael Flatley impressions! Serving to satisfy Papelbon’s love for dancing like a fool for all to see, a Footloose routine would also serve to confuse opposing batters. Is that….Kevin Bacon?

BARTOLO! I had a rude awakening upon opening an envelope my dad sent to me the other day, as one of the articles he sent included a excessively large picture of the veteran hurler as he rolled into training camp, also seemingly too large. I’m predicting a request on Colon’s to install a phone for fast food delivery in the Fenway dugout. Cheeburger Cheeburger is rumored to be first on his speed dial wish list. All this aside, word is that Colon is throwing extremely well. Please feed the man whatever he wants.


Florida Marlins –

The award for the Confusing yet Moderately Entertaining and Potentially Hilarious Move for the 2008 Season goes to…..Marlins management. All I will say is this: 10 fat men dancing, collectively called the Manatees. I am also forced to use the word “cheerleaders” here as well.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3263289



Atlanta Braves –

People who have read my posts before know that I appreciate a good sports name (ex. Former New Jersey Devil Valeri Zelepukin). The award out of this year’s Grapefruit League is Colter Bean out of the Braves’ camp. Please tell me this kid is from an Idaho farm town. Alabama, you say? That will do.

Crystal ball prediction – Bobby Cox will look older.


San Diego Padres –

Strange and meaningless fact you didn’t need to know: Jake Peavy doesn’t wear a cup. He paid for that decision on Sunday, as a liner off his glove nicked him where the sun don’t shine. Peavy was quoted as saying, “Yeah, I know, I don't wear a cup. Guess I have to start wearing one”….But, hey, I'm done having kids.”

What role do kids play in minimizing the effect a rock sold baseball has on your manhood?

Kutler's Rant- Vacation Edition

Greetings from snowy Steamboat Springs, Colorado! As I explained last week, I am currently taking a week of vacation from the office. Instead of getting up before 8 o'clock to go to the office, I've been getting up before 8 o'clock to go skiing in the Rockies. This means that I am not only still tired when I get up, but I also roll out of bed with throbbing sensation in my shins that only ski boots can provide. Nothing that four Motrin and a bottle of Fat Tire can't ease though, so I'm all about it. And I haven't had to shave or brush my hair for a few days, which is nice.

I've been in Steamboat since Saturday and I can report that I've only seen three people skiing in jeans. The jeans thing must be a phenomenon of the eastern U.S., as people out west tend to opt for a pretentious one-piece ski outfit as a means of looking silly on the slopes. Both are equally amusing and inefficient- jeans are tucked into ski boots, reminiscent of those school trip walks through the woods where you had to tuck your pants into your socks, and get easily wet while one-piece outfits make the wearer look like a jerk and presents issues for ease of restroom use. To make matters worse for one-piece guys, they usually complete their look with slicked back hair and shades. I can tell you that shades do nothing to keep the cold air out of your eyes while skiing down a mountain, but anyone who grooms himself with hair products before heading to the hill definitely deserves watery eyes.  This is probably the same guy who has driving gloves for his automatic transmission car and a twenty thousand dollar set of clubs to go along with his thirty handicap, so steer clear when he comes your way unless he is looking to give you an unnecessary tip out his obnoxious bill fold.

As much as I could go on commenting of the strange doings of skiers (skiing with cowboy hats is also a peculiar epidemic out west, by the way) there is something else that this vacation has stirred me to reflect upon. Not coincidentally, it has to do with skiing and winter sports in general. The amount of winter (Olympic) sports coverage and the subject matter that makes up the lack of stories is unfortunate . Since I am at ski resort and know a bit about the topic, I'll use ski racing as an example to illustrate this. 

Granted, of course, individual winter sports such as ski racing are not high number spectator sports and, therefore, do not receive much advertising money and subsequent television time. The only time that ski racing is ever given any play in the media is during the Olympics once every four years. When the Olympics come around, the media generates stories consisting of "hype" and "puff" pieces to inform the public on the obscure athletes they will see over the course of two weeks. The problem is that the competitions these athletes compete in during the two week period are the only exposure they get. This allows the general public to make swift and uniformed judgments on an athlete based on one minute out of an entire season or career.

Let's consider the case of everyone's (non) favorite ski racer Bode Miller. Before the 2006 Winter Games in Torino, Miller was another member of the US Ski Team on the fringe of the public consciousness who just happened to be among the leaders of the World Cup standings heading into the games. In Europe, ski racers are amply covered by the sports media and those who are serious contenders for Olympic medals are profiled throughout the season and their entire careers, but in America they are only seriously considered during Olympic competition. So, in a rush to compensate for a lack of coverage in previous years, the American sports media takes hold of any aspect of a skier's personality and exhaustively gives it "color" leading up to the competition. In Miller's case, NBC et al decided to play out the aspects of his "rebellious" character, portraying him as a man who shuns normal training methods on his New Hampshire property and one who likes to get drunk after races. What they neglected to show was Miller's tireless work ethic and his desire to defeat his competition (which he was doing in the World Cup standings at the time), but also his realistic outlook that he was not going to win every race and acceptance of that fact. When Miller failed to medal at the Torino games and had the "audacity" to say that it was OK, he was lambasted in the media for not caring. His rebelliousness and "lack of seriousness" was a letdown to America and once again Miller and his fellow ski racers slid into sports oblivion.

Now let's look at what supposedly non-serious Miller has accomplished in his skiing career. Since 2001, he has won 31 times on the World Cup circuit, including the overall World Championship in 2005. He is only one of five men in skiing history to win a World Cup race in all five of the disciplines (downhill, Super-G, giant slalom, slalom, and combined), winning four disciplinary World titles. He also won two Silver Medals during the Salt Lake Olympics in 2002. But to the American sports media that ignores ski racing and other Olympic winter sports, he is known for lack of victory in Torino and is considered a disappointment. After reading his accomplishments, how can this make sense?

The man who is considered to be one of the greatest American ski racers is Tommy Moe. In a most surprising fashion, Moe won the Olympic Downhill Gold Medal in 1994 in Lillehammer, but won only one other World Cup race in his career. Not taking anything away from Moe, but his accomplishments pale in comparison to Miller's. Yet, it is Moe who earns the respect from the American people and media because he happened to win a big race during the only time anyone in this country was paying attention. To me, this just doesn't seem right. 

When I was growing up, ABC used to showcase sports such as skiing on its Wide World of Sports program. This show highlighted all sporting events throughout the world, covering one with the same significance as another. This generated interest within the general public for sports such as skiing, which resulted in television coverage for races on ESPN and CBS. Now, with World World of Sports gone, we are subjected to two-plus hour pregame shows and twenty four hour sports news channels that replay the same forty-five minute cycles.

Unfortunately, what gets lost are stories such as two Americans currently leading and probably soon securing the overall World Championships in skiing, Miller on the men's side and Lindsey Vonn on the women's side. Both have dominated the 2007-2008 season to little of no fanfare, Miller because he has already been improperly labeled as a loser and Vonn because the media fails to cover ski racing. As a result, we won't know about their victories until they happen, robbing us of following two great victories by American athletes. The best the Miller and Vonn can hope for is a good showing during the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver or we may never hear of their great accomplishments. 

I'm not saying that skiing should take over the NBA's Saturday afternoon time slot, but updates on highlight shows and a little bit of AP wire column space, especially when our athletes are doing well, should at the very least be given. This way when the Olympics are held again we will know something about our athletes without having to rely on manufactured personality pieces and hopefully present us from holding ridiculous do or die expectations.

Talk About Creeps...

As a fledgling Knicks' fan, I hardly consider myself a current NBA savant, nor do I have much interest at all in professional basketball. However, the story of Chris Andersen's reinstatement to the NBA after being kicked out of the league for violating the league's drug policy caught my eye today. As I read and did a little research on Andersen I learned several interesting facts that irked me about this white hype, mostly leading me to the conclusion that he is an absolute creep.

For starters, check out Andersen's current look...

Tats aside, when I saw the above photo I immediately did a double take to make sure I hadn't misread the headline and that it wasn't in fact everyone's favorite goofy white NBA powerhouse forward Chris Kaman...

Although I don't agree with Andersen's current scene, he does pull off the Bill Walton very nicely...

However, unlike Walton, I doubt that Andersen is very familiar with a nice China Cat > Rider jam.

As I read on, the article noted that Andersen goes by the beloved nickname "The Birdman" due to his above the rim acrobatics and lenky body...

I guess this seems pretty "rad" to Andersen, who embraces the nickname. But do you really want to be sharing nickname-sake with this guy...

Former WWF "superstar," the Birdman Koko B. Ware.

The Birdman truly made a name for himself playing for Denver where he participated in the 2005 NBA Slam Dunk Contest in which he proceeded to set a Dunk Contest record by dubiously missing his first EIGHT dunk attempts in the contest, proving that Wesley Snipes was right...

If we did get one thing out of this Dunk Contest appearance it is in fact some more insight on why they call him the Birdman. Take a closer look at his head and tell me that doesn't resemble another famous bird...

To top it all off, in all his creepdom, The Birdman is also known to celebrate post-dunk with his famous bird-like hand celebration...

Which is about as legit a victory prance as this...

And to think we were shocked when we found out he was all drugged up...

Afternoon Links

One Season, Endless Drama

Your Updated Election News

New Season, Same Old Story for the Blue Jays

We'll See Ya Favre, and the NY Giants Thanks You

A Quick NFL Free Agent Roundup

Whew, Good Thing That Storm Hit. That Was a Close One.

Standard Hot Chick Link

Big Hits

jack Johnson and Ryan Smith collide:

Afternoon Links

Treat yourself....

Who ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

Vince Carter, All Around Good Guy

We'll See Ya Dodgertown

The Brady Quinn Era Is On Hold, For Now

We'll Always Have Paris

Happy Birthday Ali, One Day Late

Ski Trip

I write to inform the tens of people that read our site that I will be on the snowy slopes of Steamboat, Colorado next week working on my ski tan. While there, I am going to try to do some on site reconnaissance work for The Whiff on the peculiarities of winter sports enthusiasts. In place of my weekly Monday Rant, expect a mid-week special edition focusing on stupid ski and snowboard habits. Most likely, I’ll end up getting upset over how ridiculous people look when they ski in jeans. Later dudes.

Lay the Points

It was announced yesterday that Bobby Knight will be joining the stellar, always on point college basketball panel at ESPN for the NCAA Tournament. How will things go with the General in the studio? Lets take a look:

Rece Davis: Hello, everybody! I'm Rece Davis joined here in the studio by Dick Vitale and Bobby Knight, here to recap the first day of NCAA Tournament action. Guys, what are your first impressions?

Dick Vitale: Well I think, no doubt about, this is what March basketball is all about. Kids playing their hearts out, leaving it all on the floor, and representing their schools in the best way possible! This kids are bringing their game faces in each and every contest!

Bobby Knight: Now Dick, you know how I feel about the phrase "game face" and I don't know why you'd use it like that in front of me! What the f#ck is your problem?

Rece: Whoa, Coach, we can't use that kind of language on ESPN.

Knight: Why the f#ck not?

Vitale: You can't be going around saying that stuff, baby! It's not integral to expressing yourself!

Knight:

Rece: Now, Bob, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from that type of language for the rest of the show. Let's get back to the action: Duke won convincingly over Penn in the first round. Bob, what'd you think of the Dukies performance?

Knight: Well, I thought the Blue Devils were absolutely terrible. I can't tell you how many times they just didn't play fundamental basketba-

Vitale: WHOA BABY! Get a TO! You can't come into this studio and waltz around here like you own the place! Those are my Dukies! They were super, scintillating, sensational today! This is my house Bob, and you can't act like this is your turf.

Knight:

Rece: Now guys, let's all relax here and get back to the show.

Knight: You know what? I'm tired of this. If I can't say what I want to, I'm out of here.

Vitale: Fine, then you can pack your bags Knight!

Knight: Don't CALL ME KNIGHT!

Rece: Umm, Coach, it might be best for everyone here at the worldwide leader if you just walked away.

Knight: Fine! Screw you all! (stands up from seat, absolutely livid)

It's Friday...

...and I just want to dance, dance, DANCE!

Afternoon Links

Links to crack into while stirring in your "Fruit on the Bum Bum" Yogurt...

Not a Bad Musical Lineup

Jose Canseco, Party Host Extraordinaire

No Description Can Do This Justice

Free Agency Begins at Midnight

Mmmmm. Mmmmm.

Sports Dos and Don'ts in the Eyes of Yours Truly....

Following the recent decision by the Mt Carmel Tennis Club in Sunbury, Victoria to revoke a nine-year-old girl’s membership due to excessive, uh, “grunting,” it is time address the acceptable and the unacceptable practices in some of our favorite sports. Since fans can have just as much of an impact on the sport as the participants, (and whose actions can be equally objectionable at times) let’s ponder the behavior of those both on and off the field.

Tennis

Keep doing your thing, Maria.

Baseball
Unacceptable = Purposefully excluding anything involving a needle….The stupid foam hand with the index finger sticking up, signifying “#1” when you’re team is not #1.…(This could fit in any sport, but it seems to be more frequently abused at baseball games.)

Acceptable = Self adjustment of the crotch…area. Anyone who has worn a cup knows that this is absolutely necessary. Done in conjunction with spitting juice from chewing tobacco, together completely inappropriate in any other setting, these two activities are perfectly acceptable in our National Pastime.

Weightlifting
Unacceptable = When you’re doing your best Lou Ferrigno impression at the gym, at least be mindful of others while in between reps of curling 100 lb dumbbells. I really don’t enjoy the forced blinking of my eyes because you contract the leg press machine so much before each rep that it slams the support bar each time. Please stop grunting after each rep while you’re at it. Can someone get a hold of the Mt Carmel tennis club officials for me? And the guys who walk up to the mirror and flex? C’mon…that’s right up meathead alley.

Acceptable = Not doing anything just written. How bout….act normally?

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/adc/10111001A~Lou-Ferrigno-Posters.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Lou-Ferrigno-Posters_i1271588_.htm&h=350&w=280&sz=11&tbnid=lmdXbFuHjcUWSM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=96&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlou%2Bferrigno%26um%3D1&start=1&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=1

Side note = I just realized I had “The Incredible Lou Ferrigno” web page open on my desktop for about 20 minutes. Waiting for my computer to explode…..

Soccer
Acceptable = Chants/stadium wide songs sung (mostly) together. Go to a game in the U.K. and tell me 80,000 Brits pouring out some soccer ballad isn’t chilling when you’re coming from a country where it is more popular to gather and watch cars drive around in a circle and where the MLS is barely even noticed.

Unacceptable = Flopping on the field of play. Teams such as Brazil often employ this technique to try to draw a card from the referee, although Brazil is far from the lone guilty party. My leg is broken! I can see the bone! Where’s the stretcher? I’m in pure ANGUISH! Carry me to the sideline! Ok, play started again and I’m off the field? Suddenly I feel MUCH better I think I can run just perfectly…sure, I can go back in! And the Oscar goes to……

Golf
Acceptable = fistpumps after sinking a long or meaningful putt and/or hugging your hot wife.

Unacceptable = Being an obnoxiously vociferous fan following a drive off the tee. Sure, everyone knows you’ll be ousted faster than Peter McNeely if you yell before or during a player’s shot, especially if Tiger has anything to do with it. Yet it is the post-drive yells and ear-piercing screams that follow the swing that annoy me the most. Do you as the observer know EXACTLY where the ball is going to land and whether or not this is where the golfer wanted the ball? No. Also, step back and think….it’s a golf shot. You didn’t win the lottery. You didn’t win anything. Shut up….jackass!

Ah, the potential for Happy Gilmore references….

Basketball
I can think of many acceptable and unacceptable actions at a basketball game, but this tops it all. Always remember – beware the big man running down the sidelines….

http://www.boxxet.com/Curb_Your_Enthusiasm/Video_Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_Larry_Trips_Shaq.1gb22y.d

Elite XC on CBS

It appears that the folks at CBS have inked a deal with Elite XC to being showing a certain newly popular sport on its network. Elite XC, who's name conjures imaginative thoughts of skinny guys running through the woods while attempting to avoid assaults from ninjas jumping out of trees, is acutally a mixed martial arts federation in competition with the UFC. Think of the WBA and WBO in boxing, but with bloodier results. So, in addition to the various murders and explosions that we see on prime time television, we can now add two guys beating the life out of each other to the mix, yet somehow it is still not kosher to see a bear breast. Hide the nipple, but show the beatings! Hmmmm.


http://www.dailyfunk.com/funny_videos/videos/kimboslicevideo.wmv

TBPF's Weptilian Wednesday

This Weeks Career B-List Goaltender: Ron Tugnutt

This week’s edition brings us to the attention of one Ronald “Tuggy Bear” Tugnutt. Drafted by the Quebec Nordiques in the 4th round, 81st overall in 1986, his first three seasons saw him as a backup, ping-pongin’ back and forth from the AHL until ‘90-91, when he played in what would be a career high 56 games in net for the ‘Diques. A lacking performance the rest of the year and a return to backup duties ended his Quebec days, and in ’93, the Tugster was tossed around like a copy of Caddyshack 2 in trades to the Edmonton Oilers, Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks, and the Habs. In ‘95, Ronny boy found himself on the eternal underdogs, the Washington Capitals, and played the whole year on the AHL’s Portland Pirates. Leading the Pirates (pronounced “pie-rot-ees”) to the Calder Cup finals, the man who rhymes with “lug nut” soon signed a deal with the Ottawa Senators. Classic tender trainer Phil Myre took Ron under his wing, bolstering both skill and confidence, and his time in Ottawa was the closest he would ever get to gently brushing his fingers along the A-List. Our boy fought to split the next two seasons with the rebound-happy Damian Rhodes, and ‘98-99, he had the best season of his career: a league-best GAA of 1.79, second in the league in save percentage at .925, and a career high in wins (22). With the help of an injury to (hated) Curtis Joseph, Tugnutt was given a position in the 1999 NHL All-Star Game.

However, after gaining the starting position from a trade of Rhodes, Tugnutt showed his true colors and slacked on the ice in the shadow of the previous season’s promise. Ottawa said enough, and traded him to Pittsburgh for the great playoff-er Tom “The Barasshole” Barrasso. For the Pens, the nutty Tugnutt took over the starting job from Jean Sebastien Aubin to lead Pittsburgh on a playoff run, where on May 4, 2000, the Philadelphia Flyers took 72 shots. Keith “Wanna Go To” Primeau’s goal on the last shot of the game at 12:01 of the fifth overtime put the contest at 152:01 minutes, the longest NHL game since the ‘30s. (Ron Tugnutt actually holds the modern day record for most saves in a regular season non-loss game, where he stopped 70 of 73 shots in a 3-3 tie with the Bruins on March 21^st, 1991. It’s also the second highest number of saves made in any regular season NHL game. I-Ron Man Tugnutt, anyone? No? Ok, sorry.) After this performance, Tugnutt was briefly known as one of the most sought after free agents on the market. Both Ottawa and Pittsburgh attempted to reel Tugnutt back in, but were left out to dry by the team known to thrown money around like Howie Mandel, the expansion Columbus Blue Jackets. With the Jackets, Ron Tugnutt set the NHL record for most wins with an expansion team during its inaugural year, at 22. But like the cheetah, Ron Tugnutt can only keep pace for so long, and the team's second season wasn't quite so successful. In addition, Ronny battled injury, and in favor of a young starter, the B.J.’s (rofl) traded Tugnutt to the Dallas Stars to back up solid A-Lister Marty Turco. In January 2003, Turco suffered an ankle injury that allowed Tuggy Bear to play a total of 31 games that season and win 15, but with the start of the ’04 season, you didn’t have to be listening to hear that train leaving the station. He was sent down to the minors with the Utah Grizzlies for the first time in nearly ten years, and five games in for the Grizzlies, he pulled his groin and was out until the All-Star Break. After a four game suspension to Marty Turco, Tugnutt found a break he had been waiting for; alas, it was a break not meant to be found. He lost all four contests, although Stars were missing several key players, and the games were hard fought. The sun had set, and a game against San Jose would be his last game in the NHL to date. Not officially retired, Ron Tugnutt is currently listed as an Unrestricted Free Agent, and joined the CBC team as a color commentator for Hockey Night in Canada. Thanks, Ron Tugnutt…for giving an expansion team a faint glimmer of hope.

Speaking of hockey, a plea: if you happen to pass by a game on TV while flicking through between commercials of baseball spring training news, see if you can’t take a few minutes and watch the game. The season is really fantastic right now, and every contest in most divisions means a possible playoff spot or seeding change. I know the season needs to be about 15 games shorter and 6 teams need to cease to exist, but this is the time to watch it. You might be surprised how entertained you are if you are not a regular fan. Plus, what else is there during this time of year? Oh yea, March Madness. Ignore my previous statements. You will anyway.

I don’t feel like doing entertainment news today, so I’ll just make comments and review/recommend some recent stuff.

Be Kind, Rewind

Here’s a quick synopsis if you didn’t know anything about it, without spoilers. Two dimwit kids (Mos Def and Jack Black) in Passaic, NJ, work and hang out at a low-rent video store owned by Roger Murtaugh, and one day, Jack Black becomes magnetized and erases all the VHS’s in the store. Panicked, the two set out to refilm the movies people want to rent using a camcorder in a few hours, and soon people start to actually demand their version of other movies. Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

I had pretty high hopes for this movie, as I am a big Gondry fan, at least from a purely creative direction standpoint. While “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is really a modern classic and a brilliantly written Kaufman story, his “The Science of Sleep” was a visual work of art, but really didn’t do anything for me in the storytelling realm. “Be Kind, Rewind” is kind of a halfway point for me; the story is interesting, albeit as a parable, and is enhanced, not overshadowed, by Gondry’s beautifully schizophrenic style. His rendition of a Fats Waller documentary is absolute genius, and I was actually kind of upset when he later showed me how he did it within the context of the movie. Almost like he told me how they make hotdogs while I was eating one. Still delicious, nonetheless. It’s funny, the characters are entertaining to watch, and it’s wonderfully visualized. It’s unpretentious and does exactly what it wants to do: remind us why we love movies and the art of cinema so much. I hope Jack Black has finally realized that he’s not supposed to be quoting famous lines from classic cinema at the end of embarrassing, big budget remakes; he’s supposed to be misquoting them in embarrassing camcorder remakes with Mos Def dressed like a 12 year old. Oh, and Mos Def doing a Fats Waller impersonation is worth my $8.00 child ticket any day. I give it 3 Harrison Fords Acting Awkward in Public Settings.

Beach House - Devotion

This Baltimore-based duo’s second album just came out, and a mainly Baltimore-based outlet as The Whiff is, I felt it only appropriate. I admittedly never got into their first album, simply because I never got a copy of it to listen to at length. However, from what I do know of the debut, this sophomore effort does seem a little cleaner, and little tighter, yet fundamentally similar in tone and songwriting. Let’s get first things out of the way first: this album is not one you’ll find rotating in between keg stands at a house party. It’s slow, it’s methodical, and almost dreamlike, so you might not lift weights to it, but it’s absolutely perfect for something to listen to while, say, writing a piece on the career of Ron Tugnutt. As someone who has been an avid fan of the band Low for a couple years now, the sound of Beach House struck me as something akin to the slowcore trio, minus the male vocal, less prominent guitar, and a willingness to complete a progression (a Low trademark). The melodies are similar, and likewise just as hauntingly beautiful, while the harmonies work to uplift just when you need it. But enough babbling, if you can handle the pace and settle in to it, you’ll find a lot of solid and clever songwriting, good execution; it will grow on you. You might not expect it at first, but after a few listens, you’ll be actively waiting for that awesome pre-chorus on “Gila,” and won’t get the end of “Home Again” out of your head for awhile. Trust me. And if you don’t like it, whatever, who even are you. Do you even HAVE a blog? I give it three and a half Latexed Freddy Mercurys.

Oscar-Worthy Comments

That intro was trying so hard. Too hard. Where’s Billy Crystal when you need him? Oh that’s right, sitting on his ass avoiding calls from Danny DeVito about Throw Momma From The Train 2: The Chronicles of Riddick.

That telescope/periscope montage was actually really, really good.

The pregnancy stuff kinda made me uncomfortable, like if I was Jessica Alba, I might have punched John Stewart in the gills like that shark.

As much as I loved No Country For Old Men, by the end, I was starting to get sick of hearing about it.

3 different songs from “Enchanted”? At least, AT LEAST, Aerosmith or Bono wasn’t involved. Not that they are even close to being on the same level, I just don’t want to see Bono anymore if it’s not 3D.

Clooney.

Hanks.

Clooney.

Nicholson.

Clooney.

Hopper.

The Hopper joke about letting him know that he was there was fantastic.

Katherine Heigl really wasn’t lying when she said how nervous she was. Calm down, girl, and take off that rouge.

Who told Tilda Swinton that it was okay to go to the Academy Awards like that? This is the Oscars, Tilda, not a bottle of Got2Be hair product.

Would you notice?

Is anyone else attracted to that French girl who won Best Actress? IN THE MOVIE?

Also, the woman who wrote Juno? My strippers never looked like that. But then again, they usually looked like Dan Cortese.

Do you think that Jonah Hill ever thought about one day presenting an award at the Oscars while he was filming for “Accepted” wearing a hot-dog suit?

Robert F. Boyle had me on the edge of my seat with the number of times he almost made it awkward to watch a 98 year old man stumble over words and remember what he wanted to say on a national stage. I actually let out a sigh of relief when it was over. Good for him.

What is Miley Cyrus doing presenting an Oscar?! Get her clown-faced ass out of here, this is serious!

Johnny Depp once again picks an Oscar-nominated part in a year with at least 2 other fantastic and one unbeatable part. I love ya, but you can’t beat Day-Lewis with a musical, sorry bud.

All in all, the Oscars actually weren’t that bad this year, but they also weren’t very memorable. Except for the Wii skit. That was legitimately pretty awesome.

Clooney.

Scienterrific American and the Tech-Shack Shooters

Not really anything decent to talk about in the tech world, pretty much at all.

iTunes is now the number 2 music retailer in the U.S., eight months after surpassing Amazon, which was absolutely huge. Even huger, Best Buy was just overtaken by the Apple online store, which now has only super-hugest Wal-Mart to contend with. Apple says 50 million customers have bought over 4 billion songs, with over half of them being Depeche Mode remixes. 4 BILLION SONGS. BOUGHT. LEGALLY. FOR A DOLLAR. That is so much money, and with about as much overhead as Spencer the homeless guy. Think you could shave a few hamiltons off the iPhone price, aholes? No, didn’t think so.

Rufus Terrill of Atlanta, ex-engineer and current bar owner, made a security robot for his bar to deter the usual lot of vagabonds, thieves, and frat boys from his local inn. The 300 pound machine shines a spotlight on loiterers, yells at them to get off the premises, and even can blast a stream of water. Aside from its obvious talents in a wet-tshirt contest, the robot has allegedly worked, keeping people from disrupting the drunks as they leave to drive home unhindered like it’s 1973.

Scientists at Aberystwyth University are testing the new Mars rover and friends, in preparation for the European Space Agency’s ExoMars 2013 mission to go to the red planet and send back more useless picture. The university has simulated the surface of Mars in a lab, and it is reported they are using the same set as the one they filmed the moon landing in. Don’t hit me, Buzz.

A recent study seems to show that anti-depressants don’t really work very well on people that don’t exhibit severe symptoms, at least not really any better than a placebo. With the number of people using anti-depressants skyrocketing in recent years, this could be a very big issue for the pharmaceutical companies, for if people find out they’ve been taking and paying for unnecessary medication, they will likely be upset, leading to more depression. Maybe. The study went on to recommend, for minor depression, a pint of good Ol’ Grandad’s and a piece of chocolate cake.

Another study found a biological basis for cocaine addiction, besides the fact that it makes you awesome. Cocaine apparently affects some people differently than others, messing with the parts of the brain that cause decision making and behavioral choices, effectively hindering what we call willpower. This view of cocaine addiction as a medical condition rather than a counseling problem will help us treat cocaine addiction better, but until they find out that Cheez-Its affect decision-making, I’m screwed.

Dinosaur-likers (or biological archaeologists, if you prefer) found fossilized remains of the biggest marine reptile ever recorded: a giant tear-drop shaped thing with flippers and a huge alligator head. That’s what they said. The thing was about 50 feet long, which if you think about it, is almost as big as my…well, you understand. They say the thing could probably lift a small car in its mouth and bite it in half, in which case I would be so mad about the mandatory seat-belt law. Now what, officer!

That’s all I got. Notice I talked about hot dogs TWICE this week? Ohh there’s a storm comin’. Some say it’s already here.

Oh, and this:

Afternoon Links

A few distractions as you finish adjusting your insurance claims…

I'm bad...and broke.

Yankees to begin Spring play.

We're looking for a man with red hair.

No, not Barry from East Enders. This Barry.

Daily gratuitous smut.

NASCAR Picture of the Week

Honey, grab the razor! We're goin' to Talladega!

MTV Sports

Here's a throwback from the early 90's:



Side note- If you need a good Halloween costume this year, may I suggest "Louie" from The State. I did this one year and got to run around while tyring to "dip my balls" into things. Nobody got it, but I entertained myself the entire night.

Musing...

I am not a fan of Roger Clemens by any standard. I never particularly cared for the fact that he could hold out on a team until the season was well under way and still command a ridiculously rich contract and then not even have to travel when he wasn't scheduled to pitch. (This is also ridiculous) That said, what is currently happening to him is not fair. Yes, he might have lied in a sworn deposition, but let us first give him his due process.

I fear that Clemens, and Bonds, are going to wind up being the only scapegoats that are remembered from the steroids scandal. People love to take down big names, but in doing so, often forget all the others who contribute to the mess. Just because one big name goes down does not mean the scandal is over. And let's at least give Clemens and Bonds their days in court.

Say It Ain't So

A report today out of Chicago says that the Tribune Company is considering selling the naming rights to Wrigley Field. CEO Sam Zell plans to sell the Cubs and Wrigley Field separately, potentially to the highest corporate bidder. First, the Tribune Company destroyed the Baltimore Sun. Now this?

I just could never see myself sitting in the bleachers of, say, John Deere Field while drinking a beer with my shirt off. (And I assume nobody wants to see that either, the John Deere part or me without my shirt.)

If Zell goes through with this, he might as well go live with Bartman.

By the way, I have nothing against John Deere. They make great tractors.

Afternoon Links

Links to skim through while wondering when it went out of style to wear hoodless sweatshirts...

We'll See Ya, Yao

Overheard at the NFL Combine

Agent Michael Scarn

Too Many Angels Spoils the.....

Pac 10 Hot Chick Update

Retro Active

This week we are going to try out a new format for Retro Active. Instead of a series of benign lists that are contrived and not really creative or funny, I am going to take a Samuel Pepys’ shot at prose.

Retro Active will mainly focus on baseball, however, since the season is still a month away, the focus will shift to my other passion…early 90s pro wrestling, mainly ideas that just left you thinking, “Someone actually signed off on this?” This is truly saying something considering that the industry as a whole is greatly dubious in general. Topics over the next few weeks will include but are not limited to: The Shockmaster, Phantasio, and Arachnaman.

This week we start out with an old favorite from my mental archives, “Rapid Delivery” Rory Fox. Unfortunately, there are no photos or videos of this gimmick to my dismay (to Rory Fox’s delight), but to give you an idea of what we are working with here: Rapid Delivery was a paperboy wrestler. Yes, he actually came to the ring wearing a backwards hat, with a mailbag slung across his chest, and tossed papers out to the crowd.

Are you finished rolling on the floor yet? Well how about a visual…

Rapid Delivery came to my attention nearly a decade ago thanks to the brilliant (potentially Cable ACE Award winning) documentary show-gram: MTV True Life: I’m a Pro Wrestler. This particular episode also shed light on Fox’s trainer, the honorable sleaze ball Les Thatcher. Thatcher, a veteran in the world of wrestling, ran a skeavy wrestling academy in which Fox and some other absolute clowns worked out and trained to be pro wrestlers. Thatcher was the one who brilliantly derived the Paper Boy gimmick for Fox.

During the segment in which Thatcher brought Fox into his office to discuss the idea of a wrestling paper boy, it was difficult, even as an adolescent, to determine if I should be laughing or crying, or crying from laughing. I was never a paper boy so I am not sure as to what kind of aggression one possesses. I would assume Thatcher must have told Fox, an avid thespian, to conjure up feelings of teen angst as to not having a date for the prom, handing in homework late, being chased by a dog on the morning paper run, flat bike tire, or a neighbor complaining that his Sunday USA Today insert was mysteriously missing as his muse to unleash hostility in the squared circle against someone the likes of, oh let’s say…oh, I don’t know…Tony Atlas!

Speaking of Atlas, holder of several WWF records for terrible gimmicks, he was also apart of Thatcher’s crew. As MTV chronicled the meteoric rise to stardom of Rapid Delivery, it also followed the downward spiral of former WWF Tag Team Champion, Mr. USA Tony Atlas, who according to wiki, also went by the “nom de guerre The Black Superman.” If you're not familiar with Atlas, he's in the non-roided up photo headlining this post.

In the show, Atlas chronicled his unceasing injuries and knee pains and his troubles finding work in the industry. As an aging, over the hill, African American professional wrestler who went by the name Black Superman, the fact that no one wanted to hire him was the part that just really shocked me.

Even worse, was the fact that it appeared as though he was going MC Hammer bankrupt. Again, bizarre, considering that his last “successful” gimmick in the WWF, nearly a decade earlier, was a fighting African tribesman named Saba Simba. Again, there was no picture available which sucks to the nth degree because I know I have a picture of him in an old WWF Magazine in my mom’s basement (I didn’t get out much as a child), but to give you a mental illustration, he came to the ring with an African headdress and a spear! No kidding! You just can’t make it up.

I digress. Back to Fox, as one would imagine, the Rapid Delivery paper boy was popular with the younger fans who could relate to delivering papers by day and wrestling behemoth meatheads by night. They came out in the tens to see him fight all along the Ohio coast. You would think that with all of this fanfare and such a marketable character that Rapid Delivery would have been immediately gobbled up by the WWF and should have his plaque in the WWF Hall of Fame (yes, this really exists) next to the likes of the Hulkster and even The Million Dollar Man. For some reason, things didn’t quite go that way…



Well, at least he spent more time on MTV than Jesse Camp.

Baseball Boogie

Reminiscent of the Glasgow Diamonds, the Baseball Boogie explains a lot about the 1986 Dodgers. A lot.

Baseball Boogie YouTube Video

Afternoon Links

What to peruse while thinking about which is the most dominant cereal in your cupboard.....

Fine Work, Darren, Fine Work Indeed

Juno Wins Stuff

In Fat Guys at Spring Training News...

The New Generation of Detroit Pistons

She Used to Be Hot

Kutler's Rant

I’ve got to hand it to Mike Judge, the guy who wrote and directed Office Space, for nailing the feeling of walking into a typical office on a Monday dead on. It’s not the dislike for one’s job or the irksome peculiarities of coworkers that get under the skin, but rather it’s that terrible feeling of knowing exactly what is coming. The character of Peter Gibbons is rendered helpless by his sense of deja vu- the nonstop ring of the telephone, the broken-record secretary answering calls, Bill Lumbergh’s suspenders- and it is this monotony that does him in. I really think Peter would ok, minus that horrifying woman and her horrifying “A case of the Mondays” line, if there were a little spice sprinkled in here and there on Monday. A little variety would ease the transition from a weekend of freedom to the regimented tasks of the cubicle world. So the next time Initech stages Hawaiian Shirt Day, it should be on a Monday. Or Maybe Lumbergh should try a belt.

Like Peter, I trudged into the corporate castle this morning with a sullen acknowledgment that it was Monday and the things I didn’t have to see or hear for a glorious 48 hours would be waiting to greet me. First, it was the overly awake sales guy heading outside for his fifth cigarette of the young day, followed by a round of “Did you sees?” and finally, the worst line of all, “Happy Monday!” (If I ever end up in prison, this line will most likely be the cause.) Enduring all of this, I made myself some tea (a small act of rebellion on my part to cut out the banalities of the coffee drinking crew) and hurried to my desk (Monday morning has a strange way of making you rush to your desk when you would otherwise try to avoid it). I had finally reached my safe haven were I could read some news stories in peace.

Of course, like a typical Monday morning, I was disappointed to find that I was getting exactly what I expected. To dissipate any confusion, I wasn’t hoping for some catastrophic event to have occurred over night for the sake of a good read. No, all I wanted were a couple of good articles from that were well-reported and provided good insight or analysis as to why something may have occurred. Hell, last night was Oscar’s night, maybe there would be a decent breakdown of the films and what put certain films or actors over the top?

Not a chance. Instead of dissected the merits of No Country For Old Men, Yahoo! (my homepage) readers, including myself, were subjected to the Best and Worst Dressed of the Academy Awards. Over at ESPN, the main story was of another Tiger Woods golf victory, the 63rd of his career to tie Arnold Palmer on the all-time list. Instead of telling us why Woods dominates match play or what has helped him get off to his blistering start, we readers were subjected to yet another piece about great Tiger is, accompanied by a few gratuitous quotes from fellow golfers, again, about how great Tiger is. Today’s political headlines read “Obama Doing Well In Polls” without the following article even venturing a guess as to why.

All I am asking for is a little variety. All too often the same stories are recycled or the good stuff doesn’t get told. If I’ve read one article of how good Tiger Woods is, I’ve read ten thousand. The same goes for Brett Favre’s leadership abilities and fierceness of the Duke vs UNC basketball rivalry. It’s all been done and it’s expected.

Beefcake on the Lake

The Florida Marlins garnered a lot of press last week when it was made public they would be casting for their new overweight men's dance troupe, "The Manatees." After viewing the videos of the auditions, are these the fattest guys they can find?

A few seasons ago, the Cleveland Cavs had a similar group called "Beefcake on the Lake."

Now these are fat guys dancing.

If there's one thing Cleveland can deliver, it's obese men without any shame.

Thems Fighting Words

Eric Brewer and Travis Moen from Friday night:

Weekend Roundup

Tiger Closes It Out Early on Sunday, Goes Home to Watch "Stripes" on Cable - Woods cruised to an 8 & 7 victory over Stewart Cink in their 36 hole match for the WGA Match Play Championship. This was after Tiger was almost beaten in round one and almost beaten in round three, then destroyed the competition on the weekend, leaving NBC with two hours of empty air time on Sunday afternoon. Woods passed Arnold Palmer on the all-time wins list. Tiger may have more wins than Palmer, and might be a better golfer in the end, but Woods still doesn't have a delicious summer drink named after him. Yet.

Tennessee Beats Memphis, ESPN Writers Befuddled - The Volunteers ended Memphis's run at an undefeated season, much to the chagrin of all ESPN employees, who now have nothing to show mindless graphics and montages of the other "great undefeated seasons." Sometimes I think that halfway through Sportscenter when they are done showing all of the highlights and analyzing everything, they should just show a monkey on a unicycle for the last ten minutes. Will he fall or won't he? Will he throw his feces at the wall? Stay tuned!

James Gang Gets New Look - The new look Cavaliers took the court yesterday and had a convincing win over the (yawn) Grizzlies. It looks as though the Bulls might be benefitting from this deal, too, trying to mount some sort of a run towards the postseason. As for the Sonics, next year will be their chance to make a move into the thick of the Western Conference, where getting to the playoffs is harder than it sounds.

Afternoon Links

Tobias: My schedule is as open as my relationship with my wife.

There's No Drama with Obama

The Crazy NBA Trade Was Awesome For the Cavs....If It Works

I Bet Dave Coulier Was Pulling Their Car Up

Sure, They're Good Ballplayers, But I Hear They're Terrible Dancers

The Latest on the Kelvin Sampson Chronicles

Lay the Points

With today’s failing housing market and slumping economy, in recent memory there has never been a time that has been more important for sage gambling advice. Vegas reportedly lost $2.6 million on the Super Bowl, which was the worst loss ever on the Big Game. This also means that we beat Vegas. We (the American people) won that $2.6 million.

The odds on that game were relatively consistent with what New England was favored by most of the season, even though they failed to cover the last six weeks. But the fact that the Giants won the game outright was the difference. Money line wagers resulted in huge returns.

So where’s the next logical “hot pick” to wager on? Usually golf is lost in the shuffle of the gambling scene, with the most famous wagers on the sport having been made by Al Cervik and Judge Smales. Yet, anyone who does golf knows that a great deal of money changes hands during so-called “friendly” rounds. It’s just that not a lot of Americans bet on golf. It’s huge in Europe, where the sport is watched more feverishly. But now, Vegas has the American public right where they want them. They can sense Tiger Fever, and have stacked the deck against the gamblers.

If young Eldrick wins just one major in a year, it is a disappointment. For most other players, winning a major is the highlight of their lives. Tiger’s odds for winning at least one major in 2008: 1 to 7.

1 to 7.

Not 7 to 1. For the uneducated, there are four major championships, yet he will be competing against hundreds of golfers over the course of those four events. True, his chances of winning one are good, but still not THAT good. The odds on favorite to win the World Series this year is the Mets at 4 to 1. There are 29 other teams, not hundreds of golfers. And also, the Mets have room for error. They could lose a ton of games, even 70 games or so, and still win the World Series. Tiger has to put four winning rounds together in a row just to pay off a tiny fraction of your bet.

What’s even more startling, are Tiger’s odds to win the Grand Slam in 2008. 7 to 2.

7 to 2.

Granted, this has only been done one other time in the history of the game. In 1930. So, if Tiger plays 16 flawless rounds, my $20 bet will get me $70. This is the equivalent of if the odds for the Patriots to go 19-0 were 7 to 2. (might be a bad example considering how close they got). But still, to do something that has only been done once in the HISTORY of your sport, to pretty much be perfect, and the odds are ok for your payout. This is like giving Norbit 7 to 2 odds to win Best Picture on Sunday. Just don't lay your money on Tiger this year. Take the field every chance you get. Statistically you'd be stupid to bet on Woods.

But wait, you might be saying, “Axel is the one who three weeks ago told us Tiger wasn’t going to lose all year.”

Yeah, I still think that. I just want to make some money off of it.

Sports Movie Madness

In honor of golf’s match play event (and because all of us are itching for March Madness to start), we decided to have a mini-tournament today. The competition? Most unbelievable sports movie characters? We picked two characters for each sport (baseball, basketball, hockey, and football) and seeded them, with the top ranked being the most believable out of the bunch. Then, once the competition began, the winners were decided based on character, toughness and hilarity (pretty much meaning it’s hard to rationalize the merits of winning, just like on Around The Horn). Your judges are Axel Freed and Kutler.


Round One


Nuke Laloosh, Bull Durham (#1 Seed) vs. Scott Howard, Teen Wolf (#8 Seed)

Nuke, the gangly minor league pitcher, is known for his strange mechanics and wild pitches. Wears women’s underwear in order to concentrate, and is overshadowed by Crash Davis for most of the movie.

Scott Howard is known for his quick temper and his ability to turn into a wolf in an instant. This also makes him a superstar basketball player, because as we all know, wolves are terrific at sports. Is flanked by Styles, who constantly sells merchandise with Scott’s likeness on it.

Breakdown of Matchup: Nuke may not be the smartest guy in the room, but he defeats Scott in this round, especially since Howard failed to show up to face Laloosh. Instead, he was surfing on top of a movie van on his way to a keg party.

Winner: Nuke advances


Dave “Killer” Carlson, Slap Shot (#4) vs. Lewis Scott, Celtic Pride (#5)

When we first meet Dave Carlson in Slap Shot, he is sitting in the press box with a cold. Not exactly a minor league hockey enforcer. Things begin to change for Dave when Paul Newman, in one of his last acts before concentrating on salad dressing, implores the Chiefs to goon it up. Somehow this impresses upon Carlson who exclaims, "Hey coach, I'm gonna change my name: Killer, Dave Killer Carlson." Killer lives up to his name, turning the hockey rink into a boxing ring in pursuit of the $100 bounty on the Syracuse captain's head.

Lewis Scott is the cocky and ego-centric star of the Utah Jazz and the bane of Dan Aykroyd and Daniel Stern's existence. He has the Jazz poised to defeat the Celtics in the NBA Finals when the former Blues Brother and Wet Bandit get him drunk, kidnap him, and hold him at gunpoint, prompting Scott to say, "Yeah, well Jimmy (Aykroyd) wouldn't be talking to Lewis Scott like that if he didn't have a gun, cause Lewis Scott would pulverize his big, fat frumpy ass." Sassy!

Breakdown of the Matchup: Although Killer and the Hanson Brothers try their best to fight their way to the Federal League title, it is ultimately Neal Braden's striptease routine that wins them the trophy, rendering Carlson irrelevant. Lewis, on the other hand, proves to just as much of a problem for the Celtic off the court as he is on it as he escapes from his captives truck and douses them with gasoline.

Winner: Lewis Scott advances.


Fulton Reed, The Mighty Ducks (#3) vs. Mae Mordabito, A League of Their Own (#6)

Fulton is a standard street tough with only one ability: he can hit lightning-fast slap shots. Oh, and can’t skate. Not only can he not skate, but he might be mentally challenged.

Mae is known for her hustle, sliding ability, and ridiculously short skirts. Hardly believable as a tough softball player, whereas Marla Hooch is pretty much like every good softball player we have ever seen.

Breakdown of Matchup: Mae sticks it to Fulton Reed, whose shy nature (especially before he became one of the “Bash Brothers” in D:2) costs him in the end. In an upset win, Mae outplays him, then sleeps with every sailor at the bar afterwards.

Winner: Mae advances


Samson, The Longest Yard (#2) vs. Jamie O’Hare, Rudy (#7)

Samson (also known for his portrayal of Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore), is a 7-foot, 2 inch beast who can barely walk, let alone play football. But he can lift insane amounts of weight and is the type of guy who probably bites people.

O’Hare is the skinny, dainty running back whose lack of intensity and commitment took him from a career as a Notre Dame running back to a lifelong scrub. His halfback pass in his only game looked as if it was thrown by a ten year old girl.

Breakdown of Matchup: Because O’Hare was pre-Swingers Vince Vaughn, and terrible in his portrayal of O’Hare, whose deception in the final game was what REALLY got Rudy in, Samson would dominate just based on his ogre-like appearance and massive physique.

Winner: Samson advances


Round Two


Nuke Laloosh (#1) vs. Lewis Scott (#5)

Breakdown of Matchup: Despite having a "five cent head" and owning fungus-invested shower shoes, Nuke makes it to The Show and treats us to one of the greatest philosophical musings of all time: "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes, it rains. Scott unfortunately never plays in The Finals, and the reality of the matter is that Damon Wayans is just too short to be believable as a basketball player.

Nuke advances in a landslide.

Winner: Nuke advances to finals


Samson (#2) vs. Mae Mordabito (#6)

Breakdown of Matchup: What Mae lacks in brute strength and force, she makes up for with charm and hotness. Samson is overmatched as this contest turns into a battle of “Yo Momma” jokes and he gets confused and breaks a chair over Shooter McGavin’s head. Mae’s Cinderella run continues!

Winner: Mae advances to the finals


Championship Round


Nuke Laloosh (#1) vs. Mae Mordabito

Breakdown of Matchup: This showdown for the championship turns into, obviously, a battle of sexuality. Mae is arguably the more attractive player, though Nuke did redefine what it meant to be a sports idol (Susan Sarandon in the 80s is quite a catch). Finishing off an unprecedented run, Mae, is victorious when it comes down to who has more STDs. Nuke only brings one to the table, Mae has four (maybe five).

Champion: Mae Mordabito

Oscar Picks

It’s that time of year again - Sunday night is Oscar night. We gathered our writers’ panel for a roundtable discussion of this year’s winners. Joining us are Kutler, Kenny Perez (KP), Tess’ Birthday Party Friend (TBPF), Your Resident Chief (YRC) and Axel Freed (AF). Enjoy

Performance by an actor in a leading role
George Clooney in "Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood"
Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah"
Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises"

Kutler: Johnny Depp
Depp was friends with the late Hunter S. Thompson and currently lives
in France. So, I am picking him out of homage to the Doctor and in
spite of anyone who still uses the term “Freedom Fries.”

KP: Daniel Day-Lewis.
I knew he was a master thespian from the moment I saw him as Colin, the South African street tough, in “Gandhi.”

TBPF: Daniel Day-Lewis
In a performance more natural than Matthew McConaughey in a pickup game of shirts vs. skins, Day-Lewis IS Daniel Plainfield, but then again, the character has his same first name so it probably wasn’t THAT hard.

YRC: Daniel Day-Lewis
Despite the actors that comprise this list, I find myself having to make a final decision between my favorite roles for each of these characters. Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans and Mortensen in any of the three The Lord of the Rings films. Who would win in a fight to the death? Day-Lewis kicked a lot of ass in Mohicans

AF: Daniel Day-Lewis
Lewis dominated the movie while getting rich, pimping his son, and have a fake religious conversion. What else could you ask for?

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men"
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson's War"
Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild"
Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton"

Kutler: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Bardem was excellent in No Country and will probably win the award,
but I live a simple rule: When in doubt, always go with PSH.

KP: Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I don’t like to throw this term around too loosely, but the guy is just an absolute ace.

TBPF: Tom Wilkinson
He really hasn’t done a movie that I didn’t like in a long time, and as much as I loved Bardem as “Mr. Sugar,” it’s Best Actor, not Most Badass Dude with a Shotgun Silencer. Have to wait for the MTV Movie Awards for that.

YRC: Hal Holbrook
A complete stranger that McCandless (Emile Hirsch) meets on his journey,
Holbrook’s character “Mr. Franz” connects so well with McCandless that the two play it off like grandfather and grandson.

AF: Javier Bardem
Obviously the easy pick, and could win on his haircut alone.


Performance by an actress in a leading role
Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
Julie Christie in "Away from Her"
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose"
Laura Linney in "The Savages"
Ellen Page in "Juno"

Kutler: Laura Linney
The nod here has to go to Laura Linney (I refuse to recognize Juno until someone nominates George Michael.) Linney takes off her shirt in 95% of her movies.

KP: Laura Linney
My gut wants me to say Ellen Page, but there are several rules I live by in life, including never bet against Laura Linney.

TBPF: Marion Cotillard
Blanchett’s inclusion and probable win in the next category hurts her chances here, so I’m going for the foreign movie. Lazy, this guy.

YRC: Cate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett has two things going for her: she is an Aussie and is in the The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

AF: Laura Linney
This vote is based on her affair with the tennis instructor character played by Billy Baldwin in “The Squid and the Whale.”


Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There"
Ruby Dee in "American Gangster"
Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement"
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone"
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton"

Kutler: Ruby Dee
I'm taking Ruby Dee here grudgingly as I feel this award should go to
Cuba Gooding Jr.

KP: Cate Blanchett
Don’t look back!

TBPF: Cate Blanchett
As weird as I think both the idea and execution of that movie was, this performance was strangely accurate and kind of creepy. If she can make me feel genuinely uneasy about Dylan, she gets my vote.

YRC: Ruby Dee
Her character shift from the sweet, happy old lady to the stern mother of the main character is great. Her look of disapproval and subsequent slap applied to the face of Denzel Washington’s character would make any man cringe. It’s never good when mom is disappointed.

AF: Amy Ryan
She kicked ass in this movie - strung out the entire time.

Achievement in directing
"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" Julian Schnabel
"Juno" Jason Reitman
"Michael Clayton" Tony Gilroy
"No Country for Old Men" Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
"There Will Be Blood" Paul Thomas Anderson

Kutler: Joel and Ethan Coen
Like The Dude, I'll abide by that.

KP: Joel an Ethan Coen
Fargo was good.

TBPF: Joel and Ethan Coen
“No Country” was basically a tutorial on how to create suspense purely through cinematography, sound editing, and scene setting. These guys are just too good.

YRC: Joel and Ethan Coen
I could care less that this will be the popular pick, because No Country is simply fantastic. For all the times that it is said, this film literally does keep the viewer on the edge of his seat.

AF: Joel and Ethan Coen
It’s hard to make a movie that is suspenseful, funny, philosophical, and brutally violent, all in the same two hours. For the Coens, they make it look simple.


Best motion picture of the year
"Atonement"
"Juno"
"Michael Clayton"
"No Country for Old Men"
"There Will Be Blood"

Kutler: No Country for Old Men
But my decision on this ultimate category is pending until I finally go see There Will Be Blood in true "Loner" style, a practice of movie going endorsed by The Whiff, especially our editor. Go in sweatpants and sit in the back with a tub of popcorn. Don't tie your shoes.

KP: Michael Clayton
It’s like picking the Giants.

TBPF: There Will Be Blood
Though I gave best directors to the Coens, “Blood” was a better movie for me all said and done. Not much better, at all, but just enough to give it the win for me.

YRC: No Country for Old Men
See above. ‘Nuff Said.

AF: No Country for Old Men
Long overdue, considering their catalog of work.