Sports Movie Madness

In honor of golf’s match play event (and because all of us are itching for March Madness to start), we decided to have a mini-tournament today. The competition? Most unbelievable sports movie characters? We picked two characters for each sport (baseball, basketball, hockey, and football) and seeded them, with the top ranked being the most believable out of the bunch. Then, once the competition began, the winners were decided based on character, toughness and hilarity (pretty much meaning it’s hard to rationalize the merits of winning, just like on Around The Horn). Your judges are Axel Freed and Kutler.


Round One


Nuke Laloosh, Bull Durham (#1 Seed) vs. Scott Howard, Teen Wolf (#8 Seed)

Nuke, the gangly minor league pitcher, is known for his strange mechanics and wild pitches. Wears women’s underwear in order to concentrate, and is overshadowed by Crash Davis for most of the movie.

Scott Howard is known for his quick temper and his ability to turn into a wolf in an instant. This also makes him a superstar basketball player, because as we all know, wolves are terrific at sports. Is flanked by Styles, who constantly sells merchandise with Scott’s likeness on it.

Breakdown of Matchup: Nuke may not be the smartest guy in the room, but he defeats Scott in this round, especially since Howard failed to show up to face Laloosh. Instead, he was surfing on top of a movie van on his way to a keg party.

Winner: Nuke advances


Dave “Killer” Carlson, Slap Shot (#4) vs. Lewis Scott, Celtic Pride (#5)

When we first meet Dave Carlson in Slap Shot, he is sitting in the press box with a cold. Not exactly a minor league hockey enforcer. Things begin to change for Dave when Paul Newman, in one of his last acts before concentrating on salad dressing, implores the Chiefs to goon it up. Somehow this impresses upon Carlson who exclaims, "Hey coach, I'm gonna change my name: Killer, Dave Killer Carlson." Killer lives up to his name, turning the hockey rink into a boxing ring in pursuit of the $100 bounty on the Syracuse captain's head.

Lewis Scott is the cocky and ego-centric star of the Utah Jazz and the bane of Dan Aykroyd and Daniel Stern's existence. He has the Jazz poised to defeat the Celtics in the NBA Finals when the former Blues Brother and Wet Bandit get him drunk, kidnap him, and hold him at gunpoint, prompting Scott to say, "Yeah, well Jimmy (Aykroyd) wouldn't be talking to Lewis Scott like that if he didn't have a gun, cause Lewis Scott would pulverize his big, fat frumpy ass." Sassy!

Breakdown of the Matchup: Although Killer and the Hanson Brothers try their best to fight their way to the Federal League title, it is ultimately Neal Braden's striptease routine that wins them the trophy, rendering Carlson irrelevant. Lewis, on the other hand, proves to just as much of a problem for the Celtic off the court as he is on it as he escapes from his captives truck and douses them with gasoline.

Winner: Lewis Scott advances.


Fulton Reed, The Mighty Ducks (#3) vs. Mae Mordabito, A League of Their Own (#6)

Fulton is a standard street tough with only one ability: he can hit lightning-fast slap shots. Oh, and can’t skate. Not only can he not skate, but he might be mentally challenged.

Mae is known for her hustle, sliding ability, and ridiculously short skirts. Hardly believable as a tough softball player, whereas Marla Hooch is pretty much like every good softball player we have ever seen.

Breakdown of Matchup: Mae sticks it to Fulton Reed, whose shy nature (especially before he became one of the “Bash Brothers” in D:2) costs him in the end. In an upset win, Mae outplays him, then sleeps with every sailor at the bar afterwards.

Winner: Mae advances


Samson, The Longest Yard (#2) vs. Jamie O’Hare, Rudy (#7)

Samson (also known for his portrayal of Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore), is a 7-foot, 2 inch beast who can barely walk, let alone play football. But he can lift insane amounts of weight and is the type of guy who probably bites people.

O’Hare is the skinny, dainty running back whose lack of intensity and commitment took him from a career as a Notre Dame running back to a lifelong scrub. His halfback pass in his only game looked as if it was thrown by a ten year old girl.

Breakdown of Matchup: Because O’Hare was pre-Swingers Vince Vaughn, and terrible in his portrayal of O’Hare, whose deception in the final game was what REALLY got Rudy in, Samson would dominate just based on his ogre-like appearance and massive physique.

Winner: Samson advances


Round Two


Nuke Laloosh (#1) vs. Lewis Scott (#5)

Breakdown of Matchup: Despite having a "five cent head" and owning fungus-invested shower shoes, Nuke makes it to The Show and treats us to one of the greatest philosophical musings of all time: "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes, it rains. Scott unfortunately never plays in The Finals, and the reality of the matter is that Damon Wayans is just too short to be believable as a basketball player.

Nuke advances in a landslide.

Winner: Nuke advances to finals


Samson (#2) vs. Mae Mordabito (#6)

Breakdown of Matchup: What Mae lacks in brute strength and force, she makes up for with charm and hotness. Samson is overmatched as this contest turns into a battle of “Yo Momma” jokes and he gets confused and breaks a chair over Shooter McGavin’s head. Mae’s Cinderella run continues!

Winner: Mae advances to the finals


Championship Round


Nuke Laloosh (#1) vs. Mae Mordabito

Breakdown of Matchup: This showdown for the championship turns into, obviously, a battle of sexuality. Mae is arguably the more attractive player, though Nuke did redefine what it meant to be a sports idol (Susan Sarandon in the 80s is quite a catch). Finishing off an unprecedented run, Mae, is victorious when it comes down to who has more STDs. Nuke only brings one to the table, Mae has four (maybe five).

Champion: Mae Mordabito