Following the recent decision by the Mt Carmel Tennis Club in Sunbury, Victoria to revoke a nine-year-old girl’s membership due to excessive, uh, “grunting,” it is time address the acceptable and the unacceptable practices in some of our favorite sports. Since fans can have just as much of an impact on the sport as the participants, (and whose actions can be equally objectionable at times) let’s ponder the behavior of those both on and off the field.
Tennis
Keep doing your thing, Maria.
Baseball
Unacceptable = Purposefully excluding anything involving a needle….The stupid foam hand with the index finger sticking up, signifying “#1” when you’re team is not #1.…(This could fit in any sport, but it seems to be more frequently abused at baseball games.)
Acceptable = Self adjustment of the crotch…area. Anyone who has worn a cup knows that this is absolutely necessary. Done in conjunction with spitting juice from chewing tobacco, together completely inappropriate in any other setting, these two activities are perfectly acceptable in our National Pastime.
Weightlifting
Unacceptable = When you’re doing your best Lou Ferrigno impression at the gym, at least be mindful of others while in between reps of curling 100 lb dumbbells. I really don’t enjoy the forced blinking of my eyes because you contract the leg press machine so much before each rep that it slams the support bar each time. Please stop grunting after each rep while you’re at it. Can someone get a hold of the Mt Carmel tennis club officials for me? And the guys who walk up to the mirror and flex? C’mon…that’s right up meathead alley.
Acceptable = Not doing anything just written. How bout….act normally?
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/adc/10111001A~Lou-Ferrigno-Posters.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Lou-Ferrigno-Posters_i1271588_.htm&h=350&w=280&sz=11&tbnid=lmdXbFuHjcUWSM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=96&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlou%2Bferrigno%26um%3D1&start=1&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=1
Side note = I just realized I had “The Incredible Lou Ferrigno” web page open on my desktop for about 20 minutes. Waiting for my computer to explode…..
Soccer
Acceptable = Chants/stadium wide songs sung (mostly) together. Go to a game in the U.K. and tell me 80,000 Brits pouring out some soccer ballad isn’t chilling when you’re coming from a country where it is more popular to gather and watch cars drive around in a circle and where the MLS is barely even noticed.
Unacceptable = Flopping on the field of play. Teams such as Brazil often employ this technique to try to draw a card from the referee, although Brazil is far from the lone guilty party. My leg is broken! I can see the bone! Where’s the stretcher? I’m in pure ANGUISH! Carry me to the sideline! Ok, play started again and I’m off the field? Suddenly I feel MUCH better I think I can run just perfectly…sure, I can go back in! And the Oscar goes to……
Golf
Acceptable = fistpumps after sinking a long or meaningful putt and/or hugging your hot wife.
Unacceptable = Being an obnoxiously vociferous fan following a drive off the tee. Sure, everyone knows you’ll be ousted faster than Peter McNeely if you yell before or during a player’s shot, especially if Tiger has anything to do with it. Yet it is the post-drive yells and ear-piercing screams that follow the swing that annoy me the most. Do you as the observer know EXACTLY where the ball is going to land and whether or not this is where the golfer wanted the ball? No. Also, step back and think….it’s a golf shot. You didn’t win the lottery. You didn’t win anything. Shut up….jackass!
Ah, the potential for Happy Gilmore references….
Basketball
I can think of many acceptable and unacceptable actions at a basketball game, but this tops it all. Always remember – beware the big man running down the sidelines….
http://www.boxxet.com/Curb_Your_Enthusiasm/Video_Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_Larry_Trips_Shaq.1gb22y.d
Baseball
Unacceptable = Purposefully excluding anything involving a needle….The stupid foam hand with the index finger sticking up, signifying “#1” when you’re team is not #1.…(This could fit in any sport, but it seems to be more frequently abused at baseball games.)
Acceptable = Self adjustment of the crotch…area. Anyone who has worn a cup knows that this is absolutely necessary. Done in conjunction with spitting juice from chewing tobacco, together completely inappropriate in any other setting, these two activities are perfectly acceptable in our National Pastime.
Weightlifting
Unacceptable = When you’re doing your best Lou Ferrigno impression at the gym, at least be mindful of others while in between reps of curling 100 lb dumbbells. I really don’t enjoy the forced blinking of my eyes because you contract the leg press machine so much before each rep that it slams the support bar each time. Please stop grunting after each rep while you’re at it. Can someone get a hold of the Mt Carmel tennis club officials for me? And the guys who walk up to the mirror and flex? C’mon…that’s right up meathead alley.
Acceptable = Not doing anything just written. How bout….act normally?
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/adc/10111001A~Lou-Ferrigno-Posters.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Lou-Ferrigno-Posters_i1271588_.htm&h=350&w=280&sz=11&tbnid=lmdXbFuHjcUWSM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=96&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlou%2Bferrigno%26um%3D1&start=1&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=1
Side note = I just realized I had “The Incredible Lou Ferrigno” web page open on my desktop for about 20 minutes. Waiting for my computer to explode…..
Soccer
Acceptable = Chants/stadium wide songs sung (mostly) together. Go to a game in the U.K. and tell me 80,000 Brits pouring out some soccer ballad isn’t chilling when you’re coming from a country where it is more popular to gather and watch cars drive around in a circle and where the MLS is barely even noticed.
Unacceptable = Flopping on the field of play. Teams such as Brazil often employ this technique to try to draw a card from the referee, although Brazil is far from the lone guilty party. My leg is broken! I can see the bone! Where’s the stretcher? I’m in pure ANGUISH! Carry me to the sideline! Ok, play started again and I’m off the field? Suddenly I feel MUCH better I think I can run just perfectly…sure, I can go back in! And the Oscar goes to……
Golf
Acceptable = fistpumps after sinking a long or meaningful putt and/or hugging your hot wife.
Unacceptable = Being an obnoxiously vociferous fan following a drive off the tee. Sure, everyone knows you’ll be ousted faster than Peter McNeely if you yell before or during a player’s shot, especially if Tiger has anything to do with it. Yet it is the post-drive yells and ear-piercing screams that follow the swing that annoy me the most. Do you as the observer know EXACTLY where the ball is going to land and whether or not this is where the golfer wanted the ball? No. Also, step back and think….it’s a golf shot. You didn’t win the lottery. You didn’t win anything. Shut up….jackass!
Ah, the potential for Happy Gilmore references….
Basketball
I can think of many acceptable and unacceptable actions at a basketball game, but this tops it all. Always remember – beware the big man running down the sidelines….
http://www.boxxet.com/Curb_Your_Enthusiasm/Video_Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_Larry_Trips_Shaq.1gb22y.d
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