Afternoon Links

Treat yourself....

Who ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

Vince Carter, All Around Good Guy

We'll See Ya Dodgertown

The Brady Quinn Era Is On Hold, For Now

We'll Always Have Paris

Happy Birthday Ali, One Day Late

Ski Trip

I write to inform the tens of people that read our site that I will be on the snowy slopes of Steamboat, Colorado next week working on my ski tan. While there, I am going to try to do some on site reconnaissance work for The Whiff on the peculiarities of winter sports enthusiasts. In place of my weekly Monday Rant, expect a mid-week special edition focusing on stupid ski and snowboard habits. Most likely, I’ll end up getting upset over how ridiculous people look when they ski in jeans. Later dudes.

Lay the Points

It was announced yesterday that Bobby Knight will be joining the stellar, always on point college basketball panel at ESPN for the NCAA Tournament. How will things go with the General in the studio? Lets take a look:

Rece Davis: Hello, everybody! I'm Rece Davis joined here in the studio by Dick Vitale and Bobby Knight, here to recap the first day of NCAA Tournament action. Guys, what are your first impressions?

Dick Vitale: Well I think, no doubt about, this is what March basketball is all about. Kids playing their hearts out, leaving it all on the floor, and representing their schools in the best way possible! This kids are bringing their game faces in each and every contest!

Bobby Knight: Now Dick, you know how I feel about the phrase "game face" and I don't know why you'd use it like that in front of me! What the f#ck is your problem?

Rece: Whoa, Coach, we can't use that kind of language on ESPN.

Knight: Why the f#ck not?

Vitale: You can't be going around saying that stuff, baby! It's not integral to expressing yourself!

Knight:

Rece: Now, Bob, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from that type of language for the rest of the show. Let's get back to the action: Duke won convincingly over Penn in the first round. Bob, what'd you think of the Dukies performance?

Knight: Well, I thought the Blue Devils were absolutely terrible. I can't tell you how many times they just didn't play fundamental basketba-

Vitale: WHOA BABY! Get a TO! You can't come into this studio and waltz around here like you own the place! Those are my Dukies! They were super, scintillating, sensational today! This is my house Bob, and you can't act like this is your turf.

Knight:

Rece: Now guys, let's all relax here and get back to the show.

Knight: You know what? I'm tired of this. If I can't say what I want to, I'm out of here.

Vitale: Fine, then you can pack your bags Knight!

Knight: Don't CALL ME KNIGHT!

Rece: Umm, Coach, it might be best for everyone here at the worldwide leader if you just walked away.

Knight: Fine! Screw you all! (stands up from seat, absolutely livid)

It's Friday...

...and I just want to dance, dance, DANCE!

Afternoon Links

Links to crack into while stirring in your "Fruit on the Bum Bum" Yogurt...

Not a Bad Musical Lineup

Jose Canseco, Party Host Extraordinaire

No Description Can Do This Justice

Free Agency Begins at Midnight

Mmmmm. Mmmmm.

Sports Dos and Don'ts in the Eyes of Yours Truly....

Following the recent decision by the Mt Carmel Tennis Club in Sunbury, Victoria to revoke a nine-year-old girl’s membership due to excessive, uh, “grunting,” it is time address the acceptable and the unacceptable practices in some of our favorite sports. Since fans can have just as much of an impact on the sport as the participants, (and whose actions can be equally objectionable at times) let’s ponder the behavior of those both on and off the field.

Tennis

Keep doing your thing, Maria.

Baseball
Unacceptable = Purposefully excluding anything involving a needle….The stupid foam hand with the index finger sticking up, signifying “#1” when you’re team is not #1.…(This could fit in any sport, but it seems to be more frequently abused at baseball games.)

Acceptable = Self adjustment of the crotch…area. Anyone who has worn a cup knows that this is absolutely necessary. Done in conjunction with spitting juice from chewing tobacco, together completely inappropriate in any other setting, these two activities are perfectly acceptable in our National Pastime.

Weightlifting
Unacceptable = When you’re doing your best Lou Ferrigno impression at the gym, at least be mindful of others while in between reps of curling 100 lb dumbbells. I really don’t enjoy the forced blinking of my eyes because you contract the leg press machine so much before each rep that it slams the support bar each time. Please stop grunting after each rep while you’re at it. Can someone get a hold of the Mt Carmel tennis club officials for me? And the guys who walk up to the mirror and flex? C’mon…that’s right up meathead alley.

Acceptable = Not doing anything just written. How bout….act normally?

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/adc/10111001A~Lou-Ferrigno-Posters.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Lou-Ferrigno-Posters_i1271588_.htm&h=350&w=280&sz=11&tbnid=lmdXbFuHjcUWSM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=96&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dlou%2Bferrigno%26um%3D1&start=1&sa=X&oi=images&ct=image&cd=1

Side note = I just realized I had “The Incredible Lou Ferrigno” web page open on my desktop for about 20 minutes. Waiting for my computer to explode…..

Soccer
Acceptable = Chants/stadium wide songs sung (mostly) together. Go to a game in the U.K. and tell me 80,000 Brits pouring out some soccer ballad isn’t chilling when you’re coming from a country where it is more popular to gather and watch cars drive around in a circle and where the MLS is barely even noticed.

Unacceptable = Flopping on the field of play. Teams such as Brazil often employ this technique to try to draw a card from the referee, although Brazil is far from the lone guilty party. My leg is broken! I can see the bone! Where’s the stretcher? I’m in pure ANGUISH! Carry me to the sideline! Ok, play started again and I’m off the field? Suddenly I feel MUCH better I think I can run just perfectly…sure, I can go back in! And the Oscar goes to……

Golf
Acceptable = fistpumps after sinking a long or meaningful putt and/or hugging your hot wife.

Unacceptable = Being an obnoxiously vociferous fan following a drive off the tee. Sure, everyone knows you’ll be ousted faster than Peter McNeely if you yell before or during a player’s shot, especially if Tiger has anything to do with it. Yet it is the post-drive yells and ear-piercing screams that follow the swing that annoy me the most. Do you as the observer know EXACTLY where the ball is going to land and whether or not this is where the golfer wanted the ball? No. Also, step back and think….it’s a golf shot. You didn’t win the lottery. You didn’t win anything. Shut up….jackass!

Ah, the potential for Happy Gilmore references….

Basketball
I can think of many acceptable and unacceptable actions at a basketball game, but this tops it all. Always remember – beware the big man running down the sidelines….

http://www.boxxet.com/Curb_Your_Enthusiasm/Video_Curb_Your_Enthusiasm_Larry_Trips_Shaq.1gb22y.d

Elite XC on CBS

It appears that the folks at CBS have inked a deal with Elite XC to being showing a certain newly popular sport on its network. Elite XC, who's name conjures imaginative thoughts of skinny guys running through the woods while attempting to avoid assaults from ninjas jumping out of trees, is acutally a mixed martial arts federation in competition with the UFC. Think of the WBA and WBO in boxing, but with bloodier results. So, in addition to the various murders and explosions that we see on prime time television, we can now add two guys beating the life out of each other to the mix, yet somehow it is still not kosher to see a bear breast. Hide the nipple, but show the beatings! Hmmmm.


http://www.dailyfunk.com/funny_videos/videos/kimboslicevideo.wmv

TBPF's Weptilian Wednesday

This Weeks Career B-List Goaltender: Ron Tugnutt

This week’s edition brings us to the attention of one Ronald “Tuggy Bear” Tugnutt. Drafted by the Quebec Nordiques in the 4th round, 81st overall in 1986, his first three seasons saw him as a backup, ping-pongin’ back and forth from the AHL until ‘90-91, when he played in what would be a career high 56 games in net for the ‘Diques. A lacking performance the rest of the year and a return to backup duties ended his Quebec days, and in ’93, the Tugster was tossed around like a copy of Caddyshack 2 in trades to the Edmonton Oilers, Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks, and the Habs. In ‘95, Ronny boy found himself on the eternal underdogs, the Washington Capitals, and played the whole year on the AHL’s Portland Pirates. Leading the Pirates (pronounced “pie-rot-ees”) to the Calder Cup finals, the man who rhymes with “lug nut” soon signed a deal with the Ottawa Senators. Classic tender trainer Phil Myre took Ron under his wing, bolstering both skill and confidence, and his time in Ottawa was the closest he would ever get to gently brushing his fingers along the A-List. Our boy fought to split the next two seasons with the rebound-happy Damian Rhodes, and ‘98-99, he had the best season of his career: a league-best GAA of 1.79, second in the league in save percentage at .925, and a career high in wins (22). With the help of an injury to (hated) Curtis Joseph, Tugnutt was given a position in the 1999 NHL All-Star Game.

However, after gaining the starting position from a trade of Rhodes, Tugnutt showed his true colors and slacked on the ice in the shadow of the previous season’s promise. Ottawa said enough, and traded him to Pittsburgh for the great playoff-er Tom “The Barasshole” Barrasso. For the Pens, the nutty Tugnutt took over the starting job from Jean Sebastien Aubin to lead Pittsburgh on a playoff run, where on May 4, 2000, the Philadelphia Flyers took 72 shots. Keith “Wanna Go To” Primeau’s goal on the last shot of the game at 12:01 of the fifth overtime put the contest at 152:01 minutes, the longest NHL game since the ‘30s. (Ron Tugnutt actually holds the modern day record for most saves in a regular season non-loss game, where he stopped 70 of 73 shots in a 3-3 tie with the Bruins on March 21^st, 1991. It’s also the second highest number of saves made in any regular season NHL game. I-Ron Man Tugnutt, anyone? No? Ok, sorry.) After this performance, Tugnutt was briefly known as one of the most sought after free agents on the market. Both Ottawa and Pittsburgh attempted to reel Tugnutt back in, but were left out to dry by the team known to thrown money around like Howie Mandel, the expansion Columbus Blue Jackets. With the Jackets, Ron Tugnutt set the NHL record for most wins with an expansion team during its inaugural year, at 22. But like the cheetah, Ron Tugnutt can only keep pace for so long, and the team's second season wasn't quite so successful. In addition, Ronny battled injury, and in favor of a young starter, the B.J.’s (rofl) traded Tugnutt to the Dallas Stars to back up solid A-Lister Marty Turco. In January 2003, Turco suffered an ankle injury that allowed Tuggy Bear to play a total of 31 games that season and win 15, but with the start of the ’04 season, you didn’t have to be listening to hear that train leaving the station. He was sent down to the minors with the Utah Grizzlies for the first time in nearly ten years, and five games in for the Grizzlies, he pulled his groin and was out until the All-Star Break. After a four game suspension to Marty Turco, Tugnutt found a break he had been waiting for; alas, it was a break not meant to be found. He lost all four contests, although Stars were missing several key players, and the games were hard fought. The sun had set, and a game against San Jose would be his last game in the NHL to date. Not officially retired, Ron Tugnutt is currently listed as an Unrestricted Free Agent, and joined the CBC team as a color commentator for Hockey Night in Canada. Thanks, Ron Tugnutt…for giving an expansion team a faint glimmer of hope.

Speaking of hockey, a plea: if you happen to pass by a game on TV while flicking through between commercials of baseball spring training news, see if you can’t take a few minutes and watch the game. The season is really fantastic right now, and every contest in most divisions means a possible playoff spot or seeding change. I know the season needs to be about 15 games shorter and 6 teams need to cease to exist, but this is the time to watch it. You might be surprised how entertained you are if you are not a regular fan. Plus, what else is there during this time of year? Oh yea, March Madness. Ignore my previous statements. You will anyway.

I don’t feel like doing entertainment news today, so I’ll just make comments and review/recommend some recent stuff.

Be Kind, Rewind

Here’s a quick synopsis if you didn’t know anything about it, without spoilers. Two dimwit kids (Mos Def and Jack Black) in Passaic, NJ, work and hang out at a low-rent video store owned by Roger Murtaugh, and one day, Jack Black becomes magnetized and erases all the VHS’s in the store. Panicked, the two set out to refilm the movies people want to rent using a camcorder in a few hours, and soon people start to actually demand their version of other movies. Needless to say, hilarity ensues.

I had pretty high hopes for this movie, as I am a big Gondry fan, at least from a purely creative direction standpoint. While “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is really a modern classic and a brilliantly written Kaufman story, his “The Science of Sleep” was a visual work of art, but really didn’t do anything for me in the storytelling realm. “Be Kind, Rewind” is kind of a halfway point for me; the story is interesting, albeit as a parable, and is enhanced, not overshadowed, by Gondry’s beautifully schizophrenic style. His rendition of a Fats Waller documentary is absolute genius, and I was actually kind of upset when he later showed me how he did it within the context of the movie. Almost like he told me how they make hotdogs while I was eating one. Still delicious, nonetheless. It’s funny, the characters are entertaining to watch, and it’s wonderfully visualized. It’s unpretentious and does exactly what it wants to do: remind us why we love movies and the art of cinema so much. I hope Jack Black has finally realized that he’s not supposed to be quoting famous lines from classic cinema at the end of embarrassing, big budget remakes; he’s supposed to be misquoting them in embarrassing camcorder remakes with Mos Def dressed like a 12 year old. Oh, and Mos Def doing a Fats Waller impersonation is worth my $8.00 child ticket any day. I give it 3 Harrison Fords Acting Awkward in Public Settings.

Beach House - Devotion

This Baltimore-based duo’s second album just came out, and a mainly Baltimore-based outlet as The Whiff is, I felt it only appropriate. I admittedly never got into their first album, simply because I never got a copy of it to listen to at length. However, from what I do know of the debut, this sophomore effort does seem a little cleaner, and little tighter, yet fundamentally similar in tone and songwriting. Let’s get first things out of the way first: this album is not one you’ll find rotating in between keg stands at a house party. It’s slow, it’s methodical, and almost dreamlike, so you might not lift weights to it, but it’s absolutely perfect for something to listen to while, say, writing a piece on the career of Ron Tugnutt. As someone who has been an avid fan of the band Low for a couple years now, the sound of Beach House struck me as something akin to the slowcore trio, minus the male vocal, less prominent guitar, and a willingness to complete a progression (a Low trademark). The melodies are similar, and likewise just as hauntingly beautiful, while the harmonies work to uplift just when you need it. But enough babbling, if you can handle the pace and settle in to it, you’ll find a lot of solid and clever songwriting, good execution; it will grow on you. You might not expect it at first, but after a few listens, you’ll be actively waiting for that awesome pre-chorus on “Gila,” and won’t get the end of “Home Again” out of your head for awhile. Trust me. And if you don’t like it, whatever, who even are you. Do you even HAVE a blog? I give it three and a half Latexed Freddy Mercurys.

Oscar-Worthy Comments

That intro was trying so hard. Too hard. Where’s Billy Crystal when you need him? Oh that’s right, sitting on his ass avoiding calls from Danny DeVito about Throw Momma From The Train 2: The Chronicles of Riddick.

That telescope/periscope montage was actually really, really good.

The pregnancy stuff kinda made me uncomfortable, like if I was Jessica Alba, I might have punched John Stewart in the gills like that shark.

As much as I loved No Country For Old Men, by the end, I was starting to get sick of hearing about it.

3 different songs from “Enchanted”? At least, AT LEAST, Aerosmith or Bono wasn’t involved. Not that they are even close to being on the same level, I just don’t want to see Bono anymore if it’s not 3D.

Clooney.

Hanks.

Clooney.

Nicholson.

Clooney.

Hopper.

The Hopper joke about letting him know that he was there was fantastic.

Katherine Heigl really wasn’t lying when she said how nervous she was. Calm down, girl, and take off that rouge.

Who told Tilda Swinton that it was okay to go to the Academy Awards like that? This is the Oscars, Tilda, not a bottle of Got2Be hair product.

Would you notice?

Is anyone else attracted to that French girl who won Best Actress? IN THE MOVIE?

Also, the woman who wrote Juno? My strippers never looked like that. But then again, they usually looked like Dan Cortese.

Do you think that Jonah Hill ever thought about one day presenting an award at the Oscars while he was filming for “Accepted” wearing a hot-dog suit?

Robert F. Boyle had me on the edge of my seat with the number of times he almost made it awkward to watch a 98 year old man stumble over words and remember what he wanted to say on a national stage. I actually let out a sigh of relief when it was over. Good for him.

What is Miley Cyrus doing presenting an Oscar?! Get her clown-faced ass out of here, this is serious!

Johnny Depp once again picks an Oscar-nominated part in a year with at least 2 other fantastic and one unbeatable part. I love ya, but you can’t beat Day-Lewis with a musical, sorry bud.

All in all, the Oscars actually weren’t that bad this year, but they also weren’t very memorable. Except for the Wii skit. That was legitimately pretty awesome.

Clooney.

Scienterrific American and the Tech-Shack Shooters

Not really anything decent to talk about in the tech world, pretty much at all.

iTunes is now the number 2 music retailer in the U.S., eight months after surpassing Amazon, which was absolutely huge. Even huger, Best Buy was just overtaken by the Apple online store, which now has only super-hugest Wal-Mart to contend with. Apple says 50 million customers have bought over 4 billion songs, with over half of them being Depeche Mode remixes. 4 BILLION SONGS. BOUGHT. LEGALLY. FOR A DOLLAR. That is so much money, and with about as much overhead as Spencer the homeless guy. Think you could shave a few hamiltons off the iPhone price, aholes? No, didn’t think so.

Rufus Terrill of Atlanta, ex-engineer and current bar owner, made a security robot for his bar to deter the usual lot of vagabonds, thieves, and frat boys from his local inn. The 300 pound machine shines a spotlight on loiterers, yells at them to get off the premises, and even can blast a stream of water. Aside from its obvious talents in a wet-tshirt contest, the robot has allegedly worked, keeping people from disrupting the drunks as they leave to drive home unhindered like it’s 1973.

Scientists at Aberystwyth University are testing the new Mars rover and friends, in preparation for the European Space Agency’s ExoMars 2013 mission to go to the red planet and send back more useless picture. The university has simulated the surface of Mars in a lab, and it is reported they are using the same set as the one they filmed the moon landing in. Don’t hit me, Buzz.

A recent study seems to show that anti-depressants don’t really work very well on people that don’t exhibit severe symptoms, at least not really any better than a placebo. With the number of people using anti-depressants skyrocketing in recent years, this could be a very big issue for the pharmaceutical companies, for if people find out they’ve been taking and paying for unnecessary medication, they will likely be upset, leading to more depression. Maybe. The study went on to recommend, for minor depression, a pint of good Ol’ Grandad’s and a piece of chocolate cake.

Another study found a biological basis for cocaine addiction, besides the fact that it makes you awesome. Cocaine apparently affects some people differently than others, messing with the parts of the brain that cause decision making and behavioral choices, effectively hindering what we call willpower. This view of cocaine addiction as a medical condition rather than a counseling problem will help us treat cocaine addiction better, but until they find out that Cheez-Its affect decision-making, I’m screwed.

Dinosaur-likers (or biological archaeologists, if you prefer) found fossilized remains of the biggest marine reptile ever recorded: a giant tear-drop shaped thing with flippers and a huge alligator head. That’s what they said. The thing was about 50 feet long, which if you think about it, is almost as big as my…well, you understand. They say the thing could probably lift a small car in its mouth and bite it in half, in which case I would be so mad about the mandatory seat-belt law. Now what, officer!

That’s all I got. Notice I talked about hot dogs TWICE this week? Ohh there’s a storm comin’. Some say it’s already here.

Oh, and this:

Afternoon Links

A few distractions as you finish adjusting your insurance claims…

I'm bad...and broke.

Yankees to begin Spring play.

We're looking for a man with red hair.

No, not Barry from East Enders. This Barry.

Daily gratuitous smut.

NASCAR Picture of the Week

Honey, grab the razor! We're goin' to Talladega!

MTV Sports

Here's a throwback from the early 90's:



Side note- If you need a good Halloween costume this year, may I suggest "Louie" from The State. I did this one year and got to run around while tyring to "dip my balls" into things. Nobody got it, but I entertained myself the entire night.

Musing...

I am not a fan of Roger Clemens by any standard. I never particularly cared for the fact that he could hold out on a team until the season was well under way and still command a ridiculously rich contract and then not even have to travel when he wasn't scheduled to pitch. (This is also ridiculous) That said, what is currently happening to him is not fair. Yes, he might have lied in a sworn deposition, but let us first give him his due process.

I fear that Clemens, and Bonds, are going to wind up being the only scapegoats that are remembered from the steroids scandal. People love to take down big names, but in doing so, often forget all the others who contribute to the mess. Just because one big name goes down does not mean the scandal is over. And let's at least give Clemens and Bonds their days in court.

Say It Ain't So

A report today out of Chicago says that the Tribune Company is considering selling the naming rights to Wrigley Field. CEO Sam Zell plans to sell the Cubs and Wrigley Field separately, potentially to the highest corporate bidder. First, the Tribune Company destroyed the Baltimore Sun. Now this?

I just could never see myself sitting in the bleachers of, say, John Deere Field while drinking a beer with my shirt off. (And I assume nobody wants to see that either, the John Deere part or me without my shirt.)

If Zell goes through with this, he might as well go live with Bartman.

By the way, I have nothing against John Deere. They make great tractors.

Afternoon Links

Links to skim through while wondering when it went out of style to wear hoodless sweatshirts...

We'll See Ya, Yao

Overheard at the NFL Combine

Agent Michael Scarn

Too Many Angels Spoils the.....

Pac 10 Hot Chick Update

Retro Active

This week we are going to try out a new format for Retro Active. Instead of a series of benign lists that are contrived and not really creative or funny, I am going to take a Samuel Pepys’ shot at prose.

Retro Active will mainly focus on baseball, however, since the season is still a month away, the focus will shift to my other passion…early 90s pro wrestling, mainly ideas that just left you thinking, “Someone actually signed off on this?” This is truly saying something considering that the industry as a whole is greatly dubious in general. Topics over the next few weeks will include but are not limited to: The Shockmaster, Phantasio, and Arachnaman.

This week we start out with an old favorite from my mental archives, “Rapid Delivery” Rory Fox. Unfortunately, there are no photos or videos of this gimmick to my dismay (to Rory Fox’s delight), but to give you an idea of what we are working with here: Rapid Delivery was a paperboy wrestler. Yes, he actually came to the ring wearing a backwards hat, with a mailbag slung across his chest, and tossed papers out to the crowd.

Are you finished rolling on the floor yet? Well how about a visual…

Rapid Delivery came to my attention nearly a decade ago thanks to the brilliant (potentially Cable ACE Award winning) documentary show-gram: MTV True Life: I’m a Pro Wrestler. This particular episode also shed light on Fox’s trainer, the honorable sleaze ball Les Thatcher. Thatcher, a veteran in the world of wrestling, ran a skeavy wrestling academy in which Fox and some other absolute clowns worked out and trained to be pro wrestlers. Thatcher was the one who brilliantly derived the Paper Boy gimmick for Fox.

During the segment in which Thatcher brought Fox into his office to discuss the idea of a wrestling paper boy, it was difficult, even as an adolescent, to determine if I should be laughing or crying, or crying from laughing. I was never a paper boy so I am not sure as to what kind of aggression one possesses. I would assume Thatcher must have told Fox, an avid thespian, to conjure up feelings of teen angst as to not having a date for the prom, handing in homework late, being chased by a dog on the morning paper run, flat bike tire, or a neighbor complaining that his Sunday USA Today insert was mysteriously missing as his muse to unleash hostility in the squared circle against someone the likes of, oh let’s say…oh, I don’t know…Tony Atlas!

Speaking of Atlas, holder of several WWF records for terrible gimmicks, he was also apart of Thatcher’s crew. As MTV chronicled the meteoric rise to stardom of Rapid Delivery, it also followed the downward spiral of former WWF Tag Team Champion, Mr. USA Tony Atlas, who according to wiki, also went by the “nom de guerre The Black Superman.” If you're not familiar with Atlas, he's in the non-roided up photo headlining this post.

In the show, Atlas chronicled his unceasing injuries and knee pains and his troubles finding work in the industry. As an aging, over the hill, African American professional wrestler who went by the name Black Superman, the fact that no one wanted to hire him was the part that just really shocked me.

Even worse, was the fact that it appeared as though he was going MC Hammer bankrupt. Again, bizarre, considering that his last “successful” gimmick in the WWF, nearly a decade earlier, was a fighting African tribesman named Saba Simba. Again, there was no picture available which sucks to the nth degree because I know I have a picture of him in an old WWF Magazine in my mom’s basement (I didn’t get out much as a child), but to give you a mental illustration, he came to the ring with an African headdress and a spear! No kidding! You just can’t make it up.

I digress. Back to Fox, as one would imagine, the Rapid Delivery paper boy was popular with the younger fans who could relate to delivering papers by day and wrestling behemoth meatheads by night. They came out in the tens to see him fight all along the Ohio coast. You would think that with all of this fanfare and such a marketable character that Rapid Delivery would have been immediately gobbled up by the WWF and should have his plaque in the WWF Hall of Fame (yes, this really exists) next to the likes of the Hulkster and even The Million Dollar Man. For some reason, things didn’t quite go that way…



Well, at least he spent more time on MTV than Jesse Camp.

Baseball Boogie

Reminiscent of the Glasgow Diamonds, the Baseball Boogie explains a lot about the 1986 Dodgers. A lot.

Baseball Boogie YouTube Video

Afternoon Links

What to peruse while thinking about which is the most dominant cereal in your cupboard.....

Fine Work, Darren, Fine Work Indeed

Juno Wins Stuff

In Fat Guys at Spring Training News...

The New Generation of Detroit Pistons

She Used to Be Hot

Kutler's Rant

I’ve got to hand it to Mike Judge, the guy who wrote and directed Office Space, for nailing the feeling of walking into a typical office on a Monday dead on. It’s not the dislike for one’s job or the irksome peculiarities of coworkers that get under the skin, but rather it’s that terrible feeling of knowing exactly what is coming. The character of Peter Gibbons is rendered helpless by his sense of deja vu- the nonstop ring of the telephone, the broken-record secretary answering calls, Bill Lumbergh’s suspenders- and it is this monotony that does him in. I really think Peter would ok, minus that horrifying woman and her horrifying “A case of the Mondays” line, if there were a little spice sprinkled in here and there on Monday. A little variety would ease the transition from a weekend of freedom to the regimented tasks of the cubicle world. So the next time Initech stages Hawaiian Shirt Day, it should be on a Monday. Or Maybe Lumbergh should try a belt.

Like Peter, I trudged into the corporate castle this morning with a sullen acknowledgment that it was Monday and the things I didn’t have to see or hear for a glorious 48 hours would be waiting to greet me. First, it was the overly awake sales guy heading outside for his fifth cigarette of the young day, followed by a round of “Did you sees?” and finally, the worst line of all, “Happy Monday!” (If I ever end up in prison, this line will most likely be the cause.) Enduring all of this, I made myself some tea (a small act of rebellion on my part to cut out the banalities of the coffee drinking crew) and hurried to my desk (Monday morning has a strange way of making you rush to your desk when you would otherwise try to avoid it). I had finally reached my safe haven were I could read some news stories in peace.

Of course, like a typical Monday morning, I was disappointed to find that I was getting exactly what I expected. To dissipate any confusion, I wasn’t hoping for some catastrophic event to have occurred over night for the sake of a good read. No, all I wanted were a couple of good articles from that were well-reported and provided good insight or analysis as to why something may have occurred. Hell, last night was Oscar’s night, maybe there would be a decent breakdown of the films and what put certain films or actors over the top?

Not a chance. Instead of dissected the merits of No Country For Old Men, Yahoo! (my homepage) readers, including myself, were subjected to the Best and Worst Dressed of the Academy Awards. Over at ESPN, the main story was of another Tiger Woods golf victory, the 63rd of his career to tie Arnold Palmer on the all-time list. Instead of telling us why Woods dominates match play or what has helped him get off to his blistering start, we readers were subjected to yet another piece about great Tiger is, accompanied by a few gratuitous quotes from fellow golfers, again, about how great Tiger is. Today’s political headlines read “Obama Doing Well In Polls” without the following article even venturing a guess as to why.

All I am asking for is a little variety. All too often the same stories are recycled or the good stuff doesn’t get told. If I’ve read one article of how good Tiger Woods is, I’ve read ten thousand. The same goes for Brett Favre’s leadership abilities and fierceness of the Duke vs UNC basketball rivalry. It’s all been done and it’s expected.

Beefcake on the Lake

The Florida Marlins garnered a lot of press last week when it was made public they would be casting for their new overweight men's dance troupe, "The Manatees." After viewing the videos of the auditions, are these the fattest guys they can find?

A few seasons ago, the Cleveland Cavs had a similar group called "Beefcake on the Lake."

Now these are fat guys dancing.

If there's one thing Cleveland can deliver, it's obese men without any shame.

Thems Fighting Words

Eric Brewer and Travis Moen from Friday night:

Weekend Roundup

Tiger Closes It Out Early on Sunday, Goes Home to Watch "Stripes" on Cable - Woods cruised to an 8 & 7 victory over Stewart Cink in their 36 hole match for the WGA Match Play Championship. This was after Tiger was almost beaten in round one and almost beaten in round three, then destroyed the competition on the weekend, leaving NBC with two hours of empty air time on Sunday afternoon. Woods passed Arnold Palmer on the all-time wins list. Tiger may have more wins than Palmer, and might be a better golfer in the end, but Woods still doesn't have a delicious summer drink named after him. Yet.

Tennessee Beats Memphis, ESPN Writers Befuddled - The Volunteers ended Memphis's run at an undefeated season, much to the chagrin of all ESPN employees, who now have nothing to show mindless graphics and montages of the other "great undefeated seasons." Sometimes I think that halfway through Sportscenter when they are done showing all of the highlights and analyzing everything, they should just show a monkey on a unicycle for the last ten minutes. Will he fall or won't he? Will he throw his feces at the wall? Stay tuned!

James Gang Gets New Look - The new look Cavaliers took the court yesterday and had a convincing win over the (yawn) Grizzlies. It looks as though the Bulls might be benefitting from this deal, too, trying to mount some sort of a run towards the postseason. As for the Sonics, next year will be their chance to make a move into the thick of the Western Conference, where getting to the playoffs is harder than it sounds.

Afternoon Links

Tobias: My schedule is as open as my relationship with my wife.

There's No Drama with Obama

The Crazy NBA Trade Was Awesome For the Cavs....If It Works

I Bet Dave Coulier Was Pulling Their Car Up

Sure, They're Good Ballplayers, But I Hear They're Terrible Dancers

The Latest on the Kelvin Sampson Chronicles

Lay the Points

With today’s failing housing market and slumping economy, in recent memory there has never been a time that has been more important for sage gambling advice. Vegas reportedly lost $2.6 million on the Super Bowl, which was the worst loss ever on the Big Game. This also means that we beat Vegas. We (the American people) won that $2.6 million.

The odds on that game were relatively consistent with what New England was favored by most of the season, even though they failed to cover the last six weeks. But the fact that the Giants won the game outright was the difference. Money line wagers resulted in huge returns.

So where’s the next logical “hot pick” to wager on? Usually golf is lost in the shuffle of the gambling scene, with the most famous wagers on the sport having been made by Al Cervik and Judge Smales. Yet, anyone who does golf knows that a great deal of money changes hands during so-called “friendly” rounds. It’s just that not a lot of Americans bet on golf. It’s huge in Europe, where the sport is watched more feverishly. But now, Vegas has the American public right where they want them. They can sense Tiger Fever, and have stacked the deck against the gamblers.

If young Eldrick wins just one major in a year, it is a disappointment. For most other players, winning a major is the highlight of their lives. Tiger’s odds for winning at least one major in 2008: 1 to 7.

1 to 7.

Not 7 to 1. For the uneducated, there are four major championships, yet he will be competing against hundreds of golfers over the course of those four events. True, his chances of winning one are good, but still not THAT good. The odds on favorite to win the World Series this year is the Mets at 4 to 1. There are 29 other teams, not hundreds of golfers. And also, the Mets have room for error. They could lose a ton of games, even 70 games or so, and still win the World Series. Tiger has to put four winning rounds together in a row just to pay off a tiny fraction of your bet.

What’s even more startling, are Tiger’s odds to win the Grand Slam in 2008. 7 to 2.

7 to 2.

Granted, this has only been done one other time in the history of the game. In 1930. So, if Tiger plays 16 flawless rounds, my $20 bet will get me $70. This is the equivalent of if the odds for the Patriots to go 19-0 were 7 to 2. (might be a bad example considering how close they got). But still, to do something that has only been done once in the HISTORY of your sport, to pretty much be perfect, and the odds are ok for your payout. This is like giving Norbit 7 to 2 odds to win Best Picture on Sunday. Just don't lay your money on Tiger this year. Take the field every chance you get. Statistically you'd be stupid to bet on Woods.

But wait, you might be saying, “Axel is the one who three weeks ago told us Tiger wasn’t going to lose all year.”

Yeah, I still think that. I just want to make some money off of it.

Sports Movie Madness

In honor of golf’s match play event (and because all of us are itching for March Madness to start), we decided to have a mini-tournament today. The competition? Most unbelievable sports movie characters? We picked two characters for each sport (baseball, basketball, hockey, and football) and seeded them, with the top ranked being the most believable out of the bunch. Then, once the competition began, the winners were decided based on character, toughness and hilarity (pretty much meaning it’s hard to rationalize the merits of winning, just like on Around The Horn). Your judges are Axel Freed and Kutler.


Round One


Nuke Laloosh, Bull Durham (#1 Seed) vs. Scott Howard, Teen Wolf (#8 Seed)

Nuke, the gangly minor league pitcher, is known for his strange mechanics and wild pitches. Wears women’s underwear in order to concentrate, and is overshadowed by Crash Davis for most of the movie.

Scott Howard is known for his quick temper and his ability to turn into a wolf in an instant. This also makes him a superstar basketball player, because as we all know, wolves are terrific at sports. Is flanked by Styles, who constantly sells merchandise with Scott’s likeness on it.

Breakdown of Matchup: Nuke may not be the smartest guy in the room, but he defeats Scott in this round, especially since Howard failed to show up to face Laloosh. Instead, he was surfing on top of a movie van on his way to a keg party.

Winner: Nuke advances


Dave “Killer” Carlson, Slap Shot (#4) vs. Lewis Scott, Celtic Pride (#5)

When we first meet Dave Carlson in Slap Shot, he is sitting in the press box with a cold. Not exactly a minor league hockey enforcer. Things begin to change for Dave when Paul Newman, in one of his last acts before concentrating on salad dressing, implores the Chiefs to goon it up. Somehow this impresses upon Carlson who exclaims, "Hey coach, I'm gonna change my name: Killer, Dave Killer Carlson." Killer lives up to his name, turning the hockey rink into a boxing ring in pursuit of the $100 bounty on the Syracuse captain's head.

Lewis Scott is the cocky and ego-centric star of the Utah Jazz and the bane of Dan Aykroyd and Daniel Stern's existence. He has the Jazz poised to defeat the Celtics in the NBA Finals when the former Blues Brother and Wet Bandit get him drunk, kidnap him, and hold him at gunpoint, prompting Scott to say, "Yeah, well Jimmy (Aykroyd) wouldn't be talking to Lewis Scott like that if he didn't have a gun, cause Lewis Scott would pulverize his big, fat frumpy ass." Sassy!

Breakdown of the Matchup: Although Killer and the Hanson Brothers try their best to fight their way to the Federal League title, it is ultimately Neal Braden's striptease routine that wins them the trophy, rendering Carlson irrelevant. Lewis, on the other hand, proves to just as much of a problem for the Celtic off the court as he is on it as he escapes from his captives truck and douses them with gasoline.

Winner: Lewis Scott advances.


Fulton Reed, The Mighty Ducks (#3) vs. Mae Mordabito, A League of Their Own (#6)

Fulton is a standard street tough with only one ability: he can hit lightning-fast slap shots. Oh, and can’t skate. Not only can he not skate, but he might be mentally challenged.

Mae is known for her hustle, sliding ability, and ridiculously short skirts. Hardly believable as a tough softball player, whereas Marla Hooch is pretty much like every good softball player we have ever seen.

Breakdown of Matchup: Mae sticks it to Fulton Reed, whose shy nature (especially before he became one of the “Bash Brothers” in D:2) costs him in the end. In an upset win, Mae outplays him, then sleeps with every sailor at the bar afterwards.

Winner: Mae advances


Samson, The Longest Yard (#2) vs. Jamie O’Hare, Rudy (#7)

Samson (also known for his portrayal of Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore), is a 7-foot, 2 inch beast who can barely walk, let alone play football. But he can lift insane amounts of weight and is the type of guy who probably bites people.

O’Hare is the skinny, dainty running back whose lack of intensity and commitment took him from a career as a Notre Dame running back to a lifelong scrub. His halfback pass in his only game looked as if it was thrown by a ten year old girl.

Breakdown of Matchup: Because O’Hare was pre-Swingers Vince Vaughn, and terrible in his portrayal of O’Hare, whose deception in the final game was what REALLY got Rudy in, Samson would dominate just based on his ogre-like appearance and massive physique.

Winner: Samson advances


Round Two


Nuke Laloosh (#1) vs. Lewis Scott (#5)

Breakdown of Matchup: Despite having a "five cent head" and owning fungus-invested shower shoes, Nuke makes it to The Show and treats us to one of the greatest philosophical musings of all time: "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes, it rains. Scott unfortunately never plays in The Finals, and the reality of the matter is that Damon Wayans is just too short to be believable as a basketball player.

Nuke advances in a landslide.

Winner: Nuke advances to finals


Samson (#2) vs. Mae Mordabito (#6)

Breakdown of Matchup: What Mae lacks in brute strength and force, she makes up for with charm and hotness. Samson is overmatched as this contest turns into a battle of “Yo Momma” jokes and he gets confused and breaks a chair over Shooter McGavin’s head. Mae’s Cinderella run continues!

Winner: Mae advances to the finals


Championship Round


Nuke Laloosh (#1) vs. Mae Mordabito

Breakdown of Matchup: This showdown for the championship turns into, obviously, a battle of sexuality. Mae is arguably the more attractive player, though Nuke did redefine what it meant to be a sports idol (Susan Sarandon in the 80s is quite a catch). Finishing off an unprecedented run, Mae, is victorious when it comes down to who has more STDs. Nuke only brings one to the table, Mae has four (maybe five).

Champion: Mae Mordabito

Oscar Picks

It’s that time of year again - Sunday night is Oscar night. We gathered our writers’ panel for a roundtable discussion of this year’s winners. Joining us are Kutler, Kenny Perez (KP), Tess’ Birthday Party Friend (TBPF), Your Resident Chief (YRC) and Axel Freed (AF). Enjoy

Performance by an actor in a leading role
George Clooney in "Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood"
Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah"
Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises"

Kutler: Johnny Depp
Depp was friends with the late Hunter S. Thompson and currently lives
in France. So, I am picking him out of homage to the Doctor and in
spite of anyone who still uses the term “Freedom Fries.”

KP: Daniel Day-Lewis.
I knew he was a master thespian from the moment I saw him as Colin, the South African street tough, in “Gandhi.”

TBPF: Daniel Day-Lewis
In a performance more natural than Matthew McConaughey in a pickup game of shirts vs. skins, Day-Lewis IS Daniel Plainfield, but then again, the character has his same first name so it probably wasn’t THAT hard.

YRC: Daniel Day-Lewis
Despite the actors that comprise this list, I find myself having to make a final decision between my favorite roles for each of these characters. Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans and Mortensen in any of the three The Lord of the Rings films. Who would win in a fight to the death? Day-Lewis kicked a lot of ass in Mohicans

AF: Daniel Day-Lewis
Lewis dominated the movie while getting rich, pimping his son, and have a fake religious conversion. What else could you ask for?

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men"
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson's War"
Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild"
Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton"

Kutler: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Bardem was excellent in No Country and will probably win the award,
but I live a simple rule: When in doubt, always go with PSH.

KP: Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I don’t like to throw this term around too loosely, but the guy is just an absolute ace.

TBPF: Tom Wilkinson
He really hasn’t done a movie that I didn’t like in a long time, and as much as I loved Bardem as “Mr. Sugar,” it’s Best Actor, not Most Badass Dude with a Shotgun Silencer. Have to wait for the MTV Movie Awards for that.

YRC: Hal Holbrook
A complete stranger that McCandless (Emile Hirsch) meets on his journey,
Holbrook’s character “Mr. Franz” connects so well with McCandless that the two play it off like grandfather and grandson.

AF: Javier Bardem
Obviously the easy pick, and could win on his haircut alone.


Performance by an actress in a leading role
Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
Julie Christie in "Away from Her"
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose"
Laura Linney in "The Savages"
Ellen Page in "Juno"

Kutler: Laura Linney
The nod here has to go to Laura Linney (I refuse to recognize Juno until someone nominates George Michael.) Linney takes off her shirt in 95% of her movies.

KP: Laura Linney
My gut wants me to say Ellen Page, but there are several rules I live by in life, including never bet against Laura Linney.

TBPF: Marion Cotillard
Blanchett’s inclusion and probable win in the next category hurts her chances here, so I’m going for the foreign movie. Lazy, this guy.

YRC: Cate Blanchett
Cate Blanchett has two things going for her: she is an Aussie and is in the The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

AF: Laura Linney
This vote is based on her affair with the tennis instructor character played by Billy Baldwin in “The Squid and the Whale.”


Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There"
Ruby Dee in "American Gangster"
Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement"
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone"
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton"

Kutler: Ruby Dee
I'm taking Ruby Dee here grudgingly as I feel this award should go to
Cuba Gooding Jr.

KP: Cate Blanchett
Don’t look back!

TBPF: Cate Blanchett
As weird as I think both the idea and execution of that movie was, this performance was strangely accurate and kind of creepy. If she can make me feel genuinely uneasy about Dylan, she gets my vote.

YRC: Ruby Dee
Her character shift from the sweet, happy old lady to the stern mother of the main character is great. Her look of disapproval and subsequent slap applied to the face of Denzel Washington’s character would make any man cringe. It’s never good when mom is disappointed.

AF: Amy Ryan
She kicked ass in this movie - strung out the entire time.

Achievement in directing
"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" Julian Schnabel
"Juno" Jason Reitman
"Michael Clayton" Tony Gilroy
"No Country for Old Men" Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
"There Will Be Blood" Paul Thomas Anderson

Kutler: Joel and Ethan Coen
Like The Dude, I'll abide by that.

KP: Joel an Ethan Coen
Fargo was good.

TBPF: Joel and Ethan Coen
“No Country” was basically a tutorial on how to create suspense purely through cinematography, sound editing, and scene setting. These guys are just too good.

YRC: Joel and Ethan Coen
I could care less that this will be the popular pick, because No Country is simply fantastic. For all the times that it is said, this film literally does keep the viewer on the edge of his seat.

AF: Joel and Ethan Coen
It’s hard to make a movie that is suspenseful, funny, philosophical, and brutally violent, all in the same two hours. For the Coens, they make it look simple.


Best motion picture of the year
"Atonement"
"Juno"
"Michael Clayton"
"No Country for Old Men"
"There Will Be Blood"

Kutler: No Country for Old Men
But my decision on this ultimate category is pending until I finally go see There Will Be Blood in true "Loner" style, a practice of movie going endorsed by The Whiff, especially our editor. Go in sweatpants and sit in the back with a tub of popcorn. Don't tie your shoes.

KP: Michael Clayton
It’s like picking the Giants.

TBPF: There Will Be Blood
Though I gave best directors to the Coens, “Blood” was a better movie for me all said and done. Not much better, at all, but just enough to give it the win for me.

YRC: No Country for Old Men
See above. ‘Nuff Said.

AF: No Country for Old Men
Long overdue, considering their catalog of work.

It's Friday...

....and I just want to dance, dance, DANCE!

God Save the Fan

Well, Kutler and your esteemed editor are taking a short road trip tonight to D.C. to see Will Leitch at Borders in Georgetown. He's peddling his book, God Save the Fan, which we finished reading this past week. If you haven't seen it or heard of it, just go buy it. It explains why people blog, why we love sports, and offers quite a few humorous moments.

But the book hit home for me in a different way, right from the get go. In the introduction, Leitch talks about why if you are in sports journalism you start hating sports because it's your job instead of something you love as an escape. The picture he paints is very similar to the one I experienced in the later years of college while I was working for an unnamed Baltimore daily print publication. I saw the people around me, like Will did, who had been in the business for twenty years and were run down by it. They didn't have any reaction to it anymore, it was just something from keeping them from going home.

When I arrived in the pressbox for the first professional game I covered, the man who I was next to reminded me of the sportswriters' cardinal rule: no cheering in the press box. Later that night, I keep thinking about that phrase, and wondering: if you can't cheer, then what's the point?

So we'll be heading down to the District now to see Leitch. Full report on Friday.

Afternoon Links

From the NFL Combine

Manny Being Healthy

Please Give Michael Moore Attention NOW!!!!

Nothing Newsworthy, Just Funny Headline

Soccer Players Get All the Girls

The Chief Rant: What is Annoying Me

I will fully acknowledge that any posting that falls in the category of a rant clearly plays second fiddle on this website, as “Kutler’s Rant” is the true original. Yet I find myself unhappy with a number of things right now, so I’d like to think of this as my own version of a Peter Griffin “You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?” segment.

Granted, I have many things to be thankful for, especially right on the heels of a money-in-the-pants pocket load of laundry. We have to appreciate the money wash, for it only treats ever so often.

That being said, there are a number of things that have gotten on my nerves at this juncture of the week (and just a warning, this is all over the board and in no particular order)…..

1) Leaving something after stating intentions to do so, then coming back.

Shaq – We will have to wait and see whether or not the big man can get in shape in time to have a significant impact with the Suns. My early and obvious prediction is a longing for Shawn Marion in Phoenix. Who is going to cover the guys that Marion would normally cover? Regardless, Shaq has been talking about how he is going to become a police officer for years. He didn’t have much left in the tank in Miami. Just get off the court and become one of Miami’s Finest already…

Jay-Z – An individual who made a big deal of the fact that he was making his last album while likely knowing all along that he was going to make another. So ‘Money Ain’t a Thing?’

Keyshawn Johnson – Just what we need, another outspoken wide receiver thinking about a return to do some more talking, this time on the field. Not enough love in the in the studio, Keyshawn?

Note: The return from retirement method didn’t treat Keith Van Horn too poorly, who netted a cool 4.3 billion after he came out of ‘retirement’ to be part of the Jason Kidd trade. I want footage of his reaction to THAT phone call.
http://www.sltrib.com/sports/ci_8311854

2) Eric Byrnes

I happened to tune into a local radio show that had Byrnes on the air talking about, you guessed it, the Clemens Trial….and the usually outspoken Byrnes proceeded to get angry with baseball fans for being too quick to judge guys like Pettitte and Clemens. Pettitte I might be able to consider some sympathy for. But then Byrnes called Clemens a classy guy that no one is giving a fair chance. Eric, are you under a rock out there in the Arizona desert? Has the heat gotten to you?

3) The price of razor blades

4) Safeway grocery stores

So the produce is pretty good, the selection….alright, I guess (this is no Wegman’s, clearly)….but why does almost every cashier that I go to have to talk to the point where it interrupts their job of scanning my groceries and typing in the occasional code? Do you really have to hold my UTZ onion dip in your hand while you talk about what you did last night? Scan, baby, scan! I don’t think I can wait any longer to enjoy loading 15 plastic bags into my trunk! And that’s another thing - a paper bag has fewer monthly sightings in Safeway than money does in my wash! Eight plastic bags = two or three paper-in-plastic bags. In response to my question about why there are never any paper bags – as you can tell this occasionally bothers me – I was told that they “get them in, we just run out quickly.” Hello….supply and demand? I guess the bag division doesn’t run on the same principles as those deciding what to stock the shelves with.

Returning to anti-rapper mode (this is still lingering from last week)…

5) Kanye

You know who’s a big fan of Kanye? Kanye. Get over yourself.

6) Derek Jeter

Although I was not annoyed by reading about his failed pickup attempt…..
http://www.pagesix.com/story/derek+strikes+out

7) Mis-remembered

8) People voting for Presidential candidates without a good reason – and being more than willing to go on T.V. to explain this to everyone.

Voting for someone on a whim is generally not something to be proud of. At least keep your ignorance in the voting booth to yourself. Hillary showing that she has an emotional side doesn’t count for a reason, either.

Shades of laziness…..

9) Ironing

After forgetting to unload the washer and then the dryer soon after the cycles ended on the SAME load, I was forced to break out the iron. It didn't go well. I may have set a record for achieving progress on an ironing board then losing it by creating a new wrinkle. I think I am going to stick with the “hang up in the bathroom during a hot shower” and/or the “stick in the dryer just before wearing” methods.

10)CNN

Not that I actually sit down and watch what is supposed to be one of this country’s most legitimate sources for news, and then complain about it….it’s the CNN clips that are unavoidable (ex. when every T.V. in the gym has it on, making it impossible to escape) that get me.

This is the same ‘reputable’ news source that had hour-long specials on Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears, then legitimately debated the meaning behind Paris Hilton’s time in prison and subsequent release. Oh, and my day isn’t complete unless I hear what is going through Lindsay Lohan’s mind. Yesterday all I hear about is the murder of a three-year-old by this child’s parent. Really uplifting and informative, CNN.

I will say that Wolf Blitzer is a great name, however. I just don’t know that he belongs in a news booth. Repo man, maybe?

Champions League

As you all probably now know, I like soccer. The UEFA Champions League recently began the knockout stage of its tournament. Forget Soccernet or Fox Soccer, this recap is the most comprehensive and accurate report on the Champions League you will find on the internet.

NASCAR Picture of the Week

Good Ol' Boys everywhere rejoice- NASCAR season is now in full swing! With the Daytona 500 in the books, the long season of driving in circles settles in for the months long chase of the new Sprint Cup at such events as the Lenox Industrial Tools 301 and the Goody's Cool Orange 500. It sure looks to be a wild one. This week, the Penske, Hendrick, et al. semis will be truckin' into the California Motor Speedway for Sunday's race. In true California fashion, most spectators will make it to their seats after the 50th lap.

I tried to watch a little bit of "Great American Race" last weekend, I really did, but in the 15 minutes I gave it I witnessed three boring caution flags and listened to a bunch of guys in the booth yell about tires. I turned off the tv and went and drove around my block a couple of times to get my fix. While wasting gas, a man named Newman! ended up winning the race. I say we start a petition to demand that his car be sponsored by the U.S. Postal Service. Who's with me?

Anyway, onto this week's picture:

Looks like these guys are from Maryland! I especially enjoy the Skoal sticker on the bar. Here's to a nice dip in the California sun fellas.

TBPF's Windsor Wednesday

This Week’s Career B-Lister: Jeff Hackett

Drafted by the New York Islanders in the second round of the 1987 NHL Entry Draft, Jeff Hackett was placed behind possible future lister Kelly Hrudey on the Islanders goaltending roster. Hackett split his first two seasons with New York and the Springfield Indians of the AHL. He led Springfield to a Calder Cup win in 1990 and was awarded the Jack A. Butterfield Trophy, for most valuable player of the (AHL) playoffs. This brought our subject into the spotlight for a more permanent NHL career, but as our piece elucidates, this would not be one spent in that same spotlight very long. After his 1990-91 season with the Islanders, the brand-spanking new San Jose Sharks nabbed Hackett in the 1991 NHL Expansion Draft (for the record, each existing team could protect two goaltenders from the draft; Hackett was not protected. Oof). The floundering Sharks (see what I did there) held the Hack for only two seasons, trading him to the Chicago Blackhawks prior to '93-94 to backup the legendary Ed Belfour for several seasons. A few years later, his surprisingly high level of play in '96-97 allowed the Blackhawks to trade Belfour to a developing San Jose during mid-season (in other trivia, Belfour’s backup in San Jose was none other than Mr. Hrudey himself. Backup to a backup, anyone? Double Oof.) ’97-98 saw Jeff put up a career high 8 shutouts during his only full season as the unfortunate Blackhawks top tender. Next on our musical-teams game of goalie trades, '98-99 put Hackett in a six-player trade to the Montreal Canadiens. Playing 63 games and winning 26, our man Jeffey saw his 15 minutes of fame in Montreal, but was then limited to 15 games in '00-01 due to injury. 18 games played in '01-02 caused a falling from the starting position to 2002 Vezina Trophy winner Jose Theodore. Mid-way through '02-03, our journeyman found himself in a three-way trade which sent him back to San Jose, essentially on a glorified flight transfer to Boston to play for the ever-ursine Bruins. With the pace slowing down and the end in sight for our pseudo-hero, Hackett played only 21 games that year and signed on the first day of free agency with the Philadelphia Flyers during the off-season. Starting off promising in his twilight, he fought for two shutouts in his first two games, then 9 wins, 2 loses and 6 ties in his first 17 games. December let back the curtain though, when old man Hackett lost six starts in a row. Diagnosed with vertigo on January 22, the tide went out for our boy, and after a single AHL game for the Philadelphia Phantoms on February 6, Hackett retired on February 9, 2004. Jeff Hackett has since come to be associated with unfortunate teams, always trying to catch a break but never catching that train. Thanks, Jeff Hackett…for being just good enough to weight a trade.

Jeez, Jeff Hackett really got me going. So long winded! I really enjoy these pieces. Nostalgia. There’s more where that came from. I’ll shorten them in the future, but this was two weeks in the making.

#*@! The Nielson Ratings

So CBS just came out with their renewal schedule for next season. Here’s the results:

Renewed for next season:

Big Bang Theory
Cold Case
Criminal Minds
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: New York
Ghost Whisperer
NCIS
Numb3rs
Two and A Half Men
Without A Trace

I hate CBS. 8 out of 10 shows renewed for next season are crime dramas with little to no resemblance to the real world of law enforcement. The other three star either a hot piece of Hewitt, some unknown looker from that John Ritter show (RIP Little Ben Healy), or Charlie Sheen and some sort of half-complete-man abomination. Numb3rs?! I gave that 6 episodes when it first started. Once again, I drastically underestimated the complete ineptitude of the Nielson ratings to determine what anyone but our grandparents watch.

Series' CBS previously renewed for next season:

The Amazing Race
Survivor

At the risk of sounding slightly smarter than a 5^th grader, Duh.

Series' CBS hasn't said anything about for next season:

Cane
How I Met Your Mother
Jericho
Moonlight
New Adventures of Old Christine
Rules of Engagement
Shark
The Unit
Welcome to the Captain

Cane. Lol. Also, Shark. Rofl.

So, the 100-day writers’ strike is over, just in time to stop my hyperventilation at the thought of Lost being pulled 8 episodes in. Unfortunately, this means Conan O’Brien will probably go back to his previous format, instead of ziplining onto his desk with a rocket helmet like everyone wants.

There is a trailer up for “Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2: Attack of the Clones,” and I include this in my column for one reason and one reason only: it’s important. These are things we all need to be aware of. They made another one. Keep that with you. Close to you. Like a homeless man on the streets of Brussels clutching a Stella Artois, never let that go. Also, this opens the door for a number of other useless sequels, which were just waiting for someone to test the water, like “Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood 2: Cruise Control” and “Practical Magic 2: The Scorpion King.”

After 1 year, 10 months and 5 days, the discs have stopped flying. The format war between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray is officially over, with Toshiba (originators of HD-DVD) announcing a few days ago that they will end the disc-shed and meaningless loss of disc. Blu-Ray is now king, after numerous back-door deals and mucho in-bed-with support, and maybe now Sony can actually start making money. Probably not though. The PS3 definitely helped win the format war for the media giant, but it still cost them 350 million dollars in profits and hasn’t made a dime yet. Great Job. Betamax.

That’s all the movie news I found interesting, not much going on. The music scene has been boring as well, I’ll work on a review for next week. There is some tech news though, if you care about me at all.

Scienterrific American and the Tech-Shack Shooters

The U.S. government will be blowing up a failed spy satellite tonight, which should take place somewhere around 10:30 ET and coinciding with the lunar eclipse. The satellite will be blown into itty-bitty pieces of space junk in order to avoid a possible situation if the whole school bus-sized hunk crashes in a fiery holocaust where there are people having a picnic with sandwiches and lemonade and family togetherness. Despite the fact that it would almost definitely just fall into the billion miles of ocean we have, the military must have decided it would be “fun” to spend $10 million blowing something up. These guys should collect baseball cards or something, cause their current hobby is breaking my fiscal heart. If you have a telescope, observatory, or Bionic Woman-style robotic eyeball, you can probably/maybe/probablynot see something tonight before you catch the latest CSI: NY that you prefer to watch live.

In a recent study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison, it was found that 2/3 of people surveyed inexplicably thought there was something “morally wrong” with nanotechnology. After analyzing the data, and being dumbfounded as to why that many people would think there was anything morally incorrect about really small machines, they conducted another study, and found that 2/3 of people surveyed also think Lord of the Rings was a documentary. That second study is fake, but considering the actual one, it might as well be real.

Computer company Everex is getting ready to ship it’s ultra-mobile, ultra-cheap laptop aimed at the lower-class computer consumer, called the “CloudBook”, but the shipment was delayed by – you guessed it – inclement weather. No further comment.

NASA has been planning a base of operations on the south pole of the moon for quite some time now. Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it. Always talking, jabbering on and on about that base. Jeez, NASA, give it a rest! But their new “thing” to blabber about is the satellite phone network they are testing which will let colonists at the base communicate with robots and crap who are out playing low-grav volleyball on the moonbeach. Called MoonLite, the network will resemble satellite networks used in the 80’s and 90’s, and will only be accessible using Zack Morris® brand cell phones. I can’t wait for the inevitable jump-scare movies that feed off of this, like the cleverly titled “Lunacy,” or the tentatively titled “When A Stranger Calls – Moon Calls!”

Osaka robotic scientists showcased their cooking robot, the EZ Order Robot, last week, which responds to audible directions and cues to cook such delicacies as Octopus balls from scratch. That’s nice and all, but until it pleasures me afterwards and lets me talk trash about its parents while I beat it, this robot’s got nothing on my current cook.

About two weeks ago, Best Buy sold a bunch of Insignia digital picture frames from China that had a virus built into the software from production, and told users to plug them into their PCs and run antivirus software to eliminate it. Well, turns out that wasn’t the best thing to do, as the Trojan virus was much worse than expected and is immune to basically all consumer level antivirus software. It can steal lots of information and send it out, and though it was only set to retrieve gaming passwords now, it could be a test for a much more malignant virus in the near future. If things get worse, sources say Best Buy will be deploying a special teams force to take out the picture frames, led by a guy with a laser-whip coming out of his pinky finger.

Scientists think Mars’ water supply may have been “too salty” to ever support a great deal of known life, all but debunking the recently popular theory that Mars was and still may be inhabited by an advanced civilization of giant Martian slugs.

Bats have been dying off by the thousands in New York and Vermont, attributed to the “White Nose Syndrome,” dubbed so for the white ring of fungus found on the dead bats nose. No one knows what it actually is, how it works, or how to stop it, and it is actually a very serious threat to the bat population until more is discovered about the affliction. In the meantime, if you see a bat with a white ring around it’s nose, instead of running in abject fear with arms flailing, take a chapter from my Saturday Night Fun Guide and coax the bat into staying with you for the night, drug it, then bring it in to your local vet for tests.

Scientists have discovered a technique to figure out someones age just by looking into their eyes. Using radiocarbon dating, the method tests levels of things called lens crystallines that develop around birth stay that way for the rest of our lives. They can pretty accurately predict ages, to within about one and a half years using this technique, which could be useful in identifying dead bodies. Also useful for me at the mall, when I can’t tell if the girl I’m checking out is 15, or 13 and a half. These things are important. Look for me also practicing at the bar, in a procedure akin to Larry David’s lie test from Curb.

Duke University is home to the worlds largest 802.11n wireless network, supposedly, and is expanding it’s coverage to become even bigger, crushing the competition much like it’s basketball fans would have you believe. Dick Vitale doesn’t know what any of this means, but climaxed in his pants nonetheless.

There’s more, but I’m sure you don’t care. And I’m spent. Here’s a final note.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Birthday Party Friend

In a personal piece, I’d just like to touch on something, well, personal. It’s about neckties, and the wearing of them, specifically the eponymous act of tying. You see dodes, I went to catholic high school (are you supposed to capitalize “catholic,” I don’t remember, I’m not actually [C,c]atholic), and we had to wear one of two things for our masculine bodices: a school logo polo shirt, sold at the book store for a miniscule 19.99 USD, a small price to pay for such convenience, OR the traditional collared dress shirt and tie. During the colder months, the short-sleeved polo simply was not thermally efficient, and the switch to business-casual was inevitable. Me and my fellow students wore neckties every day for about 5 months out of the year, and we grew to become observant of the various ways people tied their man-cessories. Thus grew my, and many of my peers’, disdain for the Single Windsor Knot.

The Single Windsor Knot is the “Larry the Cable Guy” of the necktie knot world. It’s lazy, it’s sloppy, and worst of all, it thinks there’s nothing wrong with what it’s doing. And just like that unfortunate rube of “comedy,” if you prefer it, that says a lot about who YOU are. Now, I’m sure I’ve offended someone who doesn’t really care about what their necktie knot looks like, and I wish I didn’t either. But the fact of the matter is, men have to wear ties. As silly as they are when you really look at them, it is just not acceptable to omit them from our wardrobe. And if we must wear them, why not wear them with dignity and poise. I say all of this because just the other day, a coworker with an authoritative position approached me with questions of some seriousness. He was not scolding me for something I did, but was merely alerting me to the fact that I was going about something a little untraditionally. I won’t get into the matter, but I’ll let you know that it was definitely nitpicking, and he was definitely expecting me to listen very carefully to his advice. During the conversation, I noticed he was wearing the ever-unfortunate Single Windsor Knot, and upon observing, immediately became irreverent of what he was saying. Had he taken the time to tie a Double Windsor, or even a Standard, I would’ve taken him to heart. But instead, I mocked his ability to instruct me of anything while that awkward mess stared me in the face. He looked like someone had told him just that morning that he had to wear a tie to work, and he didn’t know how to tie it so he made one up. He looked terrible. The knot actually made me feel superior to him. Very superior. In comparison to him and his tie, he made me feel like this:

I made this. I have to take credit.

And I don’t want to feel like that. I really don’t. But I did. I didn’t listen to him, and I probably won’t until he learns how to tie a Double Windsor. So please, next time you put on a tie, think of me, and how much I don’t want to feel like a zookeeper in the monkey cage watching chimps put on people clothes.

And there we have it. Sorry for the week delay, it won't happen again. Well no, it probably will happen again. And I'll get to those hotdogs eventually.

I leave you with this classic:

If you'll excuse me, I'm late for a date with The Humunga Cowabunga From Down Unda.