Afternoon Links

The Key to Sunday's Big Game

Leon Black: "I hit it, and I quit it!"

See, I Told You the Toilet Won't Break at Halftime!

The Trail Blazers Agree

Happy 61st, Nolan

Fandemonium

(Ed. Note - Fandemonium is a wild card column that will appear sporadically when applicable. It goes beyond the numbers, beyond, the game, and focuses on the individual characteristics of different fans from around the country.)

This week…

New York Giants Fans vs. New England Patriots Fans

A lot has been made this week about the Boston Herald article last week which claimed that New England fans were far superior in class and social hierarchy than New York fans (not sure why people think Boston fans are snobs). We here at Fandemonium have put together a nice profile cheat sheet (along with nearly every other blog in the NY/NE area) to help you make your own decision.

Fan: Giants Fan

Location: New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Everyone not from New England this Sunday

Fashion (Faux Pas): Tight, usually stonewashed denim. During the early part of the season, typically in the form of Jorts (jean shorts). It is also not uncommon for the denim to be worn in jacket form or to be accompanied by a mustache. Some residual early 90’s red and blue Zubaz with matching Starter jacket are still found in some circles. It is also not uncommon, when closing in on proximity to Giants Stadium, to notice simultaneous increases of slick-backs, gold jewelry, and neck size. More casual, upscale G-Men fans can be found at their favorite local Jersey Shore watering hole rocking the Bill Parcells’ Giants sweater over a Polo shirt.

Moment They Never Shut-up About: The Simms and LT-led dominance of the 1986 team.

Moment That Makes Them Cringe: The thought of Dave Brown as Phil Simms’ successor; followed closely by the drubbing received at the hands of the Ravens in Superbowl XXXV.

Stereotypical Pre-Game Ritual: Crushing a nice big slice of famous New York Hoboken ‘Zza while listening to “No Surrender” by The Boss and creating a lot of commotion discussing their favorite Sopranos’ moments. (Please note that Bon Jovi’s “Bad Medicine” can also be substituted depending on the total perm height of the women in the group. Perms totaling greater than 22 inches in curl may listen to JBJ.)

Common Misconception: All Giants fans look like this:

Fan: Patriots Fan

Location: Million Dollar Estates in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire

Fashion (Faux Pas): Most gentlemen attend the games in full suits, while the ladies typically wear cocktail dresses. The remainder attended in lumberjack costumes and beards.

Moment They Never Shut-up About: The Sawcks coming back from 3 games to none down to beat…wait…Larry Legend stealing the inbound pass…wait…Tom Br…Not fair that the Bruins are Boston’s stepchild.

Moments That Makes Them Cringe: The flowing, lustrous brown hair of Brett Favre blowing in the wind, running down the field after tossing a long touchdown pass vs. the Pats in Superbowl XXXI.

It is also tear jerking for them to talk about Tony Eason as well as the recent U.S. yachting struggles in the America’s Cup.

Stereotypical Pre-Game Ritual: Enjoying a savory bowl of lobster bisque served in silver plated bowls, while the young folk listen to their favorite Guster album and the olde fans enjoy “The Barber of Seville” while discussing the irony of critical thinking discussed by Tocqueville. The lumberjacks, on the other hand, slug back pre-game cocktails of Sam Adams and maple syrup.

Common Misconception: That they are all Mass-holes.

Conan Turns Back the Clock

With all the football talk this week, and the ongoing writers' strike, here's a refreshing video of two things we have been missing: baseball and Conan (with writers). Don't get me wrong, Conan has been funny without his writers in the past few weeks, but nowhere near the level of hilarity his show maintains with writers.

Super Bowl Sunday Commercial Ideas

(Ed. Note - The following column is part of a weekly special to The Whiff written by Your Resident Chief. He'll be providing his insights on various subjects each and every Wednesday.)

If you’re like me, you love watching sports. Yet you also pride yourself on your uncanny ability to accomplish a remarkable number of tasks in a span of two to three minutes – approximately the span of the average commercial break in, say, a playoff football game.

Yet if there’s only one game a year that you stay put for as long as physically possible, it’s coming up this Sunday. Advertisers lick their chops, aware that they will have football fan and non-football fan alike as a captive audience, probably reluctant to give up the seat that was claimed hours before the big game started. You guessed it, my friends, the commercials awaiting you this Sunday during the Superbowl will be some of the best of the year. But before looking into the future, one should relish the memory of some recent classics…..

Favorites from recent years – just to jog your memory. If you don’t remember these then maybe you should ask someone else to warm up the queso dip during the commercial break. Just a small sample of what has held our attention moments at a time in years past, broken down into a couple themes that reappear annually.

Sex sells

GoDaddy.com – remember that skimpy white tee-shirt? In a recent ad, this very shirt causes one older executive to need an oxygen mask after the spaghetti-string strap snaps off. What is GoDaddy.com? I have no idea.

Doritos commercial in Laundromat with Ali Landry. Ali wants me to eat chips? Okay.

Lynx body spray = Thousands of bikini clad girls running/swimming/clawing their way towards the one dude on the beach with a can of Lynx You can literally see the suits at Axe going, “Wait a minute….”

New Technology (Broad? – Yes. Neither you nor I have all day.)

Verizon Wireless – The out-of shape guy who doesn’t belong in the training room sits down on a trainer’s table next to a football player twice his size, watches the football player’s finger get popped back into place without so much as a flinch by the “tough guy.” Clearly too much for the first guy, as he faints and ends up on the floor. This was an ad to suggest that while you may not belong in pro football you can still get INSIDE THE GAME with some extra feature that comes at the new low rate of $59.99/month.

A quintessential example of a commercial that you talk about the next day and say, “Wait what was that for?”

Enough with this technology business – let’s move on to the most commonly discussed…

Beer

Budweiser –

Choosing a couple that touches on a slightly different technique than attempting to draw the quick laugh like its healthier (what?) sibling Bud Light:

Clydesdale horses facing off in a game of football, waiting on the review of an instant replay. I believe the comment by the farmer with the southern twang went something like, “This ref’s a jackass.” The ref is, of course, a zebra. If I have to expound upon the comparison of a zebra and a ref in this context….well then I’m speechless. I have no speech.

Stadium of people holding up signs to simulate the filling up and drinking of a tall glass of icy, cold, refreshing, delicious….sorry – Budweiser. Actually advertising the beer itself – amazing!

The “turn back the clock” (but not that far) favorite – Bud Light Frogs. Still imitated to this day, slightly less annoying than the recreation of the “Wazzzuuuup!” ad. You win, Anheuser-Busch.

Bud Light -

These have proven to be some of the steadiest performers over the years; equal if not superior performers to the competition – the Miller Lite commercials. Often not relating much or at all to the beer, these commercials are great to count on for a quick chuckle, and often rank among the most talked about the next day.

The slap in the face serves as the new fist bump, which had gone out of style. Works well until the young professional who probably boozes it up on the weekends and sleeps until noon the following day comes out of a meeting and slaps his boss. Far be it from me to be stereotypical.

The Magic fridge - need I explain?

Busch Light – Just kidding. I’m pretty sure the ad budget hovers somewhere around….zero.

Just to get you warmed up and pumped up for this Sunday evening when it will cost companies millions but you only minutes that will no doubt be quite entertaining. A look ahead at what is to come….

2008 Superbowl commericals

Belden Jewlers – A man scratches his unshaven beard in a Nightmare he does not know he is currently involved in. In this nightmare this man is confused as to why his wife is staring blankly down at a pair of tickets to a Knicks game. “Happy Valentine’s Day” he utters in a wavering tone, somewhat softer than usual, already realizing that his gift is less than appreciated. His wife promptly changes from calm to enraged, tearing the tickets to shreds in one fell swoop, then screaming at him that they are finished as a couple. Before taking a sledgehammer to his big screen t.v., she pauses and tells him that the only thing that would have saved their relationship was a pair of diamond earrings from Belden Jewlers. The man awakes in a cold sweat, grabs the wallet and leaves to go get some bling as “Go straight to the hearrrrrrt” plays in the background.

Mastercard – A set of irons? $900. An obnoxious Hawaiian shirt? $49. A strawberry daiquiri from the bar by the beach? $7. Helping a Colts quarterback forget about his team’s poor performance in the playoffs while still fulfilling his need to appear in at least one Superbowl commercial? Priceless.

Reebok – (As a replacement for Terry Tate, who found himself tangled in a number of personal injury lawsuits, Reebok hires a cast of characters designed to reduce the desire for employees to socialize during the workday. Although Reebok had to spend some ad dollars buying gear for their crew, all appears to be going smoothly…). The first day of the campaign went well, as the company brought in Tom Cruise to go from cubicle to cubicle to talk Scientology, played a recording of Fran Drescher’s voice in the break and lunch rooms, and had a lunch catered by Subway and served by the Clay Henry/Jared tandem. The company chose to conclude the day with appearances by Andy Dick, Carrot Top, and Alfonso Ribeiro, better known as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Excluding the employee who chose death by fork and toaster after being accidentally locked in the break room, productivity has gone up yet again. Who needs Terry Tate?

Trojan Condoms – Tom Brady walks into a 7-eleven. Enough said.

Scott Tissue – Noises of surprised pleasure emanating from the innermost regions of the Men’s room. A toilet flushes. A faucet runs, then stops. A moment of silence, confusion fills the air in the hallway as people who should be working pause to await the opening of

the men’s room door. The Man from the Men’s Room emerges. Looks are cast his way as people in the hall inaudibly search for reason behind the noises. The Man looks down to his Timberland boot to find that a sheet of “Scotts New Extra-Soft Quadruple-Ply Bath Tissue with Four Times the Softness” is stuck to his boot. He looks up and into the eyes of the befuddled onlookers. He looks back down and points to the piece of bathroom tissue, then continues on his way, clearly content to leave the sheet attached to the boot, a pleased look upon his face.

(I give my roommate Brian credit for this idea, as he was particularly upset that he had never seen a toilet paper commercial before that didn’t involve someone enjoying the softness on their face.)

Here’s to another year of enjoying your role as an absolute couch potato. Cheers!

www.BlogWithMe.com

(Ed. Note - Tess' Birthday Party Friend brings us a weekly look at
movies, music, technology and beyond. He's high maintenance and hard to please, as you'll see. Any ladies interested in him should email thewhiff@gmail.com)

What's the deal, TBPF here. Here's what to expect:

1. As a self proclaimed music and movie elitist, possibly a small
review of a recent release, or maybe a piece on something in Pop
Culture that I think shames the medium (for an accessible example, see Nickelback).

2. As resident techie and general quasi-nerd, some recent science
and tech news that you might care about. Or not. Probably just things I found funny. Or not.

3. Definitely a video game or movie reference, probably a one-percenter.

4. Intermittent disgruntled comments concerning the American lack
of interest in professional hockey (personally, I blame the continued
omission of the 1996 All-Star game FoxTrax glow puck).

5. Periodic possible addendum to Kutler's rant, as our hate is
usually complementary. And correct.

6. Whatever I feel like, get off my case.

One Child Ticket, Please

Here's the box office earnings for this past weekend, for the simple
reason that sometimes you just have to look at the box office earnings for the weekend.

1. Meet the Spartans - $18.7 million
2. Rambo - $18.2 million.
3. 27 Dresses - $13.6 million
4. Cloverfield - $12.7 million
5. Untraceable - $11.2 million

A few words:

1. Although $18.7 million for Meet The Spartans isn't a huge opening
weekend by any means, it is still about $18.69 million more than any
reasonable race of intelligent beings should allow. This is getting
serious now. And I know Kevin Sorbo is in it, but the man can't save
EVERYTHING.

2. I haven't seen Rambo yet, but I will, and it will be awesome.
I've read reviews about it which rag on the fact that it is an hour
and a half of insanely gratuitous violence, one dimensional
characters, and quotes I'll be saying for years every time someone
asks me what I'm going to "do about" something. I know. Wait, isn't
this Rambo 4? Sorry, I thought I was walking into a re-release of The
China Syndrome. Come off it, I may be a movie elitist, but I am also
a man. A man who would watch Stallone fire an explosive arrow into his mother.

3. I really can't say enough about the "let's push young women into
being jealous that all their friends are getting married and they
aren't, inaccurately using a beautiful, good-hearted, likeable girl
for the part, instead of empowering these young women with the
confidence to be happy without marriage and not jump on the first guy who shows interest in them only to get burned because he was actually a jackass" genre. Was that too preachy/harsh? Wait 'til you read my piece about Cloverfield.

4. It was awesome.

5. Ok, I understand that the generation our parents are cohorts of
have an inexplicable lack of comprehension about how technology and
information systems work, but if that's all you're going for, then
release it direct-to-VHS. An untraceable server with a distinct
location that is wired into a device that injects someone with poison?
No. Us young whippersnappers know you can't do that, so who is
seeing this movie? I guess the writers strike and lack of CSI
episodes got those baby boomers to pay 11 bucks a pop to ask their
kids, "Wait, could that really happen? Oh, and can you turn on the
computer for me, I'm still learning." P.S. Diane Lane is still a fox,
and I'll probably watch Untraceable on HBO for the consistent 68%
chance that she will take off her clothes in a movie.

Addendum: I did actually think that Cloverfield was awesome, except
for the last 10 minutes when the characters survive equivalents of
being tag-teamed, unsupervised, by Earthquake and Typhoon, The Natural Disasters. Don't worry, I didn't spoil anything, Earthquake and Typhoon aren't even in the movie.

In other movie news, seven movie studios will be restarting the
tradition of big movie trailers during the Super Bowl this year, after
basically being absent from the whole ordeal in 2007. One of these
will be Will Smith's next blockbuster, "Hancock," about a bum with
superpowers presumably spun-off from Bill Cosby's character Marvin in The Meteor Man.


I have this movie still framed above my bed.

In a feeble attempt to cut into HBO's dominance over the
premium-channel-original-series realm, Starz! (I don't know if the

exclamation point is part of the name, but I'm going with it) is
creating a 13 episode drama based on 2004's Best Picture Oscar winner "Crash." Paul Haggis, who wrote and directed the movie, will be writing the show as well, which is not his first foray into the television scene. Many may not be aware of this, but Haggis has
written for a number of very notable shows, including "The Love Boat," "Diff'rent Strokes," "The Facts of Life," and "Who's The Boss;" he also CREATED "Walker: Texas Ranger." I can't wait until he starts getting confused about what show he is writing for, and we get an
episode on a cruise ship where a small African-american boy accuses his older caucasian housemother of offering him fried chicken "because he's black," after which he hits her with a flying roundhouse kick, stands over her and says, "who's the boss now?" Ok that was a little
much.

Scienterrific American and The Tech-Shack Shooters

Not much interesting stuff in this realm recently, although a few
tidbits for your "GYUHH" pleasure (cue pushing up of glasses):

At the CES (Consumer Electronics Show, GYUHHH) in Vegas recently,
Mitsubishi showed off their models of the world's first laser
televisions, in an attempt to gain a foothold in the "I DEFINITELY
need a 65 inch TV" market. Lasers, popularized by Blofeld in 1971's
"Diamonds Are Forever," are said to offer much better color and
sharpness than we are blah blah blah, we'll all have them in 5 years.

A recent study found that those Ionic Air Purifiers that nobody has
can actually contribute to ozone gases, which is just as bad as
destroying, supposedly. So far, there are no reported glacial melts
in residential homes, but we'll just have to wait and see. Do you
hear that? That's the sound of every Sharper Image in the country
turning on their Roombas.

In Big Brother news, San Francisco's $900,000 crime-prevention
surveillance system has been found to be, quote, "suck ass," running
at a blistering one frame per two seconds. What this means for us is
that, potentially, they could have filmed the entire run of Tough
Crowd with Colin Quinn there without anyone knowing about it. The
system will be looked into being revamped, but in the meantime,
authorities are on constant lookout for kids with bats and stopwatches beating up bums because their mom "caught them."

A large asteroid, about 600 feet long, just passed by the Earth at
just beyond the Moon's orbit, no thanks to the efforts of Bruce Willis
and Aerosmith. NASA stressed, very seriously, that rather than use an Armageddon approach, we should gently coerce an asteroid that is headed for Earth into veering off. Blueprints are in the works for a giant battery-operated bubble machine on the Moon. Even if we don't
have to use it, we got giant Space Bubbles! Rock!

Scientists have found that each cell in the body has its own little
"clock," and the speed of those "clocks" actually correlates with
whether someone is an early riser, or the ever-popular "night owl."
Now they just have to figure out how to translate these "clocks" to
our time and make them readable to us, eliminating the human race's
dependency on watches and Big Ben. Also, I won't have to feel
embarrassed about still wearing that digital watch I got from a 1994
Cocoa Puffs mail-in offer.

And to finish up this weeks inaugural column, a comment on Kutler's
recent rant: I have three regular words and one hyphenated word for
you: Fox's Warm-up Football Robot. That is all.

Yea, I just used two colons in one sentence. We're just getting
warmed up. Join us next time when we reveal more astounding truths
about life, love, and hotdogs. Oh yea, I love hotdogs.

Afternoon Links

Jason Kidd in the News, and Not Because He Beat His Wife Again

Land of 10,000 Lakes and Zero Santanas

White Male Nudged out of Presidential Race by Woman and Black Man. Wait, What?

Tiki Time Bomb?

Say It Ain't So, Montell

Hump Up the Jams

(Ed. Note - Hump Up the Jams is a weekly Wednesday column written by Axel Freed. It will both take a look back to reflect upon what’s happened earlier in the week, and prognosticate what will happen in the upcoming days.)

Do not feed the animals.

Tiger is on the warpath yet again this year, wrapping up a dominating weekend on Sunday to cruise to a Buick Invitational victory. And yet, Ian Poulter still has the cajones today to say that Tiger hasn’t seen his best, and that Ian could give him a run for his money. Poor, poor Ian. We’ve all seen this before. Tiger is at his best when irked by the media or another player.

And let’s take a second to reflect on Tiger’s life right now: married to a hot supermodel, making over $100 million in endorsements each year, and choosing, that’s right choosing, which tournaments he thinks are the most lucrative to play in each year. If there’s not enough money, he takes the week or two weeks or the month off. Tiger can just hang out and go to the range until the $$$ are there.

In finding an equivalent to his situation, an actual person, there are not many who have his luxurious lifestyle. The only lifestyle that comes to mind, is that of an aging crooner or balladeer, a la Sinatra or Elvis in the later years.

The reasoning behind this is because it has to be someone completely self-reliant. That excludes all athletes except other golfers, bowlers, individual swimmers, etc. and all entertainment figures except solo singers and the possible stand-up comedian. But the person has to be an icon, someone who can draw a crowd no matter where he/she shows up.

Many will argue that once Sinatra peaked, his later years of performing were solely for financial purposes. He wasn’t really contending with Jacko in the eighties, or making songs that everyone was singing. Yet, when he decided to play, the house would be packed. He could get any girl he wanted. Though he wasn’t a factor in the grand scheme, people wanted to see him, even if it was just to say, “I saw Sinatra.”

Elvis, on the other hand, one could argue that he did his best songwriting during the later, more corpulent years. He wasn’t as popular as he was in the height of his career, but he still sold out arenas and was making music that everyone was buying. When he performed his comeback concert in Hawaii, he owned the state for the night. However, given his health conditions, its easy to say that he was on his way out.

That brings us to Tiger. How astonishing is it that he is not even at his golfing prime yet (which is for most golfers around age 35) and he keeps getting better and better, already having accomplished so much. He can pick his spots when he wants to play, yet isn’t rusty, and instead dominates and makes the other players want him to go back into hibernation. No matter where he plays, the crowds seem to double in size. He created his own tournament in D.C. last year, and out of thin air, there were crowds 20 people deep.

As fans, we don’t think we’ve seen his best yet, which makes commentators heads nearly explode and the other PGA Tour players want to develop serious drinking problems. I think 2008 is his year. More than ever before. I don’t think he’ll be out of a top ten finish in any tournament he plays in. I think he’ll win three majors. Maybe ten tournaments overall. And yet, if he does all those things, at the end of 2008, we’ll still be saying, “2009 is the year of the Tiger.” Barring major injury, he will continue to outdo himself when he wants, where he wants, for the money he wants.

Oddly enough, Tiger is playing in the Dubai Desert Classic this week, one of few times in ’08 when he’ll play in back to back weeks. My prediction: he’ll win, not as convincing as his eight stroke win last week, but by three or four.

The Big Three

There are three major American sports leagues: the MLB, NFL, and NBA. Let’s call them “The Big Three” of American sports. Just as there is “The Big Three” of American professional sports, there is another “Big Three,” that of artery-clogging, American fast food restaurants: McDonald’s (Mac Doh’s), Burger King (The King), and Wendy’s (Wendy’s). Since it has been declared that there are both a “Big Three” of American professional sports and fast food restaurants, how then do they match up? It becomes quite clear when you use the scientific method to determine the matchups as I have done.

The NBA = Wendy’s

-The NBA showcases the best athletes in American sports. Wendy’s showcases the best menu in the Land of Fast Food.
-NBA players are known for their great range of athletic skills (running, jumping, shooting, fighting in the stands). Wendy’s is know for the great range of its products (square burgers, chili, baked potatoes, Mandarin Chicken Salads).
-Both have iconic logos. The NBA has the sleek silhouette of Jerry West and Wendy’s has the freckled image of Dave Thomas’ niece.

The NFL= McDonald’s

-These two giants are a logical pairing. Billions of people watch the Super Bowl each year and billions of people shove quarter-pounders down their throats each year too. These two activities are often enjoyed at the same time, as it is known for many people to eat quarter-pounders at Super Bowl parties when they are served as “hors d'oeuvres”
-People get fat and lazy as they spend the entire Fall watching football. People like Morgan Spurlock get fat and lazy when they spend an entire documentary eating McDonald’s.
-The NFL is trying to establish itself in new markets like the United Kingdom, robbing loyal season ticket holders of games in the process. McDonald’s is also trying to establish itself in new markets like North Korea, robbing loyal brainwashed citizens of their hatred for the American way of life.

MLB = Burger King

 

 

-Baseball likes to refer to its record holders as “Kings,” like the “Home Run King” or the “Stolen Base King.” Burger King is referred to simply as “The King.”

-Baseball players can be really fat and still be successful. The Whopper can make you really fat, yet it still sells successfully.
-MLB occasionally does things to lose the trust of its fans, like canceling a World Series, ending an All-Star Game in a tie, or letting its players shoot-up roids like maniacs. Burger King also, from time to time, does things that its customers question, like making really bad French Fries, debuting scary products like “Chicken Fries,” and allowing some of its restaurants to withhold Whoppers from customers, causing them to scream like maniacs.

I'm the Funky QB Known as McMahon....

Still amazing after all these years

     

Afternoon Links

Guess Who's Back?


Ethics of Office Gambling


For Those Waiting Since Last May, Wondering What Was Up With Jack's Beard


Another Day with Santana in the News (Johan, not Carlos)


O's, Stroh's and Natty Boh's

Retro Active

(Ed. Note - Kenny Perez will be writing each and every Tuesday with his column, "Retro Active." It will discuss current events in the sports world and beyond, and will conclude with weekly awards that are by no means standard or orthodox.)

So this past weekend, I attended my annual college alumni event. My goal heading into the event (besides getting the creative juices flowing at the open bar, eating a gluttonous amount of macaroni n cheese, and then subsequently white guy dancing to every song as if I were in the “Dancing in the Dark” video) was to limit myself to no more than two stop and chats.

As the night progressed, I was achieving my no stop and chat goal. Stop and chat #1 occurred with a dude who I (speaking with a staunch record of heterosexuality) had a Dan Cortese-like man crush on through most of senior year. As the night drew to a close, I knew I had one more stop and chat left so tried to burn it with an ex-girlfriend who I had not seen or heard from in nearly three years; however, she totally snubbed me! The truly devastating part was that she had really let herself go, and I write this not in a superficial way, but in terms of health in general. Granted, I, personally, could stand to lose a couple (increments of ten) pounds, but historically, I feel that the female population has viewed me as more of a hair than a head. But this got me to thinking, what other prolific figures from my adolescence had also given in to buttering up donuts…

This Week’s (In No Particular Order) Fab Five…

Prolific (Not Necessarily Heroic) Figures From my Childhood Who Now Look Terrible…

1. Bo Jackson
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Once did 550 consecutive sit ups…while lying on a bed of nails…just three days before busting out a 221 yard rushing performance vs. the Seahawks on MNF.

Just a Dreg of Society: Successfully completed 5 sit ups…while lying in bed…attempting to eat a piece of prime rib dangling above him.

2. Tony Gwynn
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Set an NL record by stealing 5 stolen bases in a game.

Just a Dreg of Society: Set an ESPN record for most funnel cakes eaten during a postseason broadcast.

3. Tonya Harding
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Was the first American woman to complete a triple axel jump in competition.

Just a Dreg of Society: Was the first American woman to complete 13 breakfast combos at her local Waffle House.

4. Eddie Money
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Celebrated the success of “Take Me Home Tonight” by literally taking home and having his way with, a then personal best, five women in one night.

Just a Dreg of Society: Celebrated the success of waking up not in a pile of his own vomit by being forcibly removed from a strip joint and beaten, by a new personal best, five police officers.

5. Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
Height of Aesthetic Prowess: Tips the universal advantage to the Jedi Council after being trained by Obi Wan.

Just a Dreg of Society: Tips the Death Star bathroom scale at a daunting 250 LBS after binge eating three Ewoks, seven Klondike bars, half a tuna sandwich, and a sleeve of Oreos.

Now to this week’s If That’s What You’re Into’s…

Coach Who Squeezed the Most Out of His Players’ Mind Grapes:
PJ Carlesimo – 14 Losses in a Row! Yikes…Those are definitely Sour Grapes.

Ace of the Week:
Novak Djokovic – After brilliantly knocking off the omnipotent Roger Federer (in straight sets!), goes on to win the Aussie Open.

The Jake Plummer Best Press Photo of the Week:
Lawrence “Don’t Call me Larry” Tynes – Aqua Velva?

Old Wrestler to Waste 10 Minutes Wiki-ing:
The Enforcer Arn Anderson

Here Comes Treble – Song I am Listening to Right Now:
The Shins – Kissing the Lipless

Social Gaffe of the Week:
Just days after the shocking death of Hollywood Superstar Brad Renfro, teen heartthrob, Heath Ledger, is found dead in his NY apartment, leaving the nation in a gripping state of depression not seen since the suicide of the guy who got kicked out of the Gin Blossoms right before “Allison Road” shot up the charts.

Scrabble Fan Word of the Week:
Quone – Used medically, to quone something.

Classic SNL Skit to Quote of the Week:
Todd Blanston is…The Whipmaster!
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/92/92nwhipmaster.phtml

Fearless Prediction of the Week:
Tom Petty’s Halftime Setlist: Listen to Her Heart, Free Fallin’, You Wreck Me, Runnin’ Down a Dream, American Girl

Ready? Down!

Bo Knows Clock Management

The Best Players Money Can Buy!

This has nothing to do with the shady recruiting processes of big-time college athletics. In fact, it has everything to do with the legitimate off-season transactions and contracts of Major League Baseball (I just really love Blue Chips and will watch that end press conference scene every time it is on. Does anybody know if Tony is still playing in Europe?). Anyway, that said, here are the Hot Stove’s worst season contracts to date:

1- Elijha Dukes- Washington Nationals- One year, financial terms not disclosed:
Dukes compiled a pretty extensive rap sheet in a town situated on a sun-soaked bay (Tampa) inhabited by lots of old people formerly of the Northeast. Now he will play in D.C., a town that once saw its mayor get busted for crack, only to be re-elected years later and, ultimately, get arrested again. Nice.

2- Octavio Dotel- Chicago White Sox- Two years, $11 million:
2006- 14 G, 10 IP, 7 K, 10.80 ERA
2007- 33 G, 30.2 IP, 41K, 4.11 ERA

So Dotel’s last two combined years have him pitching 47 games, throwing 40.2 innings, and striking out 48 while having an average ERA of 7.45. So that’s about $234,043 per game, $273,632 per inning, and $229,167 per strikeout. Kenny Williams, pat yourself on the back for getting such a bargain!

3- Chin-Hui Tsao and Hideo Nomo- Kansas City Royals- Minor League Contracts:
You know what the best way to improve on a 69 win season is? Sign two Pan Asian pitchers to your Triple A roster.

4- Troy Percival- Tampa Bay Rays- Two years, $8 million:
Didn’t he retire a few years ago and then sorta come back in middle relief for the Cardinals?

5- Andy Petitte- New York Yankess- Exercised $16 million option for 2008:
Imagine what Brian McNamee can get for $16 million.

6- Jason Kendall, Milwaukee Brewers- One Year, $4.25 million:
Kendall’s stats from last year is are a .242 average with a .301 OBP and only 24 extra base hits. The rumor was that his agent was asking for a $5 million deal, but the small market Brewers thought that was too high, got crafty, and gave him only $4.25 million instead.

7- Paul Lo Duca- Washington Nationals- One year, $5 million:
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this hasn’t been a great offseason for the Nats. I hear Lo Duca is a nice guy. He did write some nice notes that are showcased in the Mitchell Report. It’s only that sometimes he just flips and punches people in the face. Weird.

8- Kosuke Fukudome- Chicago Cubs- Four Years, $48 million:
This guy could be pretty good actually. This is really just an excuse to write that name…and giggle.

Afternoon Links

(Ed. Note - Each afternoon, we'll be giving you a handful of links to kill the time between now and that five o'clock whistle.)


Send It In, Jerome!

When I Was Your Age, Beer at the Ballpark Was Only a Dime

Belichick's Funny. Kind of. Ok, Not Really

What do Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Rocky, and Rambo Have in Common?

Yikes

Kutler's Rant

(Ed. Note - Kutler's Rant appears every Monday on The Whiff. Kutler is angry. Angry about a lot of things. Rather than have him rain blows down upon his co-workers, family, and friends, he channels that anger in his rant column each week. Enjoy)

What's up you jokers? My name is Kutler. It is pronounced exactly how it looks. Cut-ler. [Kuht-ler] if this were a dictionary. It is not Coot-ler or Kot-lore, nor is it Cut-la. Cut-la sounds like a rapper who set out to lay down some raw, in-your-face cuts about one of the many various lifestyles known as "the game," only to fail and ultimately end up on a list like this.
Worst Rapper Names
It is also not Coulier (kool-yay), the name that was used to address me last night as I was solicited for money over the phone. Coulier? Really? The "cut it out" guy who wore bad sweaters on Full House and couldn't play a lick of hockey? And you want how much of my money? Well, zero is what you will get. Maybe if you would've called me Estevez you organization would be a bit better off right now. At least he made Bombay look semi-believable. You really do need soft hands for those eggs.

What? That degenerated pretty fast. didn't it? I kind of got going on a rant there. It doesn't take much for me to get fired up, which is perhaps why Axel has invited my aboard. I am best when I come straight and spit that fire, son!

This happens to be Super Bowl week, when every so-called expert and pundit of the "National Football League" makes predictions that will ultimately be zero percent accurate on what will occur in Sunday's championship game. This leads me to some red-faced rants on things associated with the game of American Football.

1. Has anyone notice that just about every announcer and half-witted color sidekick on TV must keep reminding us what league we are watching? You might here this while watching this week's coverage: "As a young player, he is finding out that speed in the National Football league is faster than it was in the college game. In the National Football League, a player has to adapt to the quickness if he wants to stay in the National Football League.. Having enough quickness to make a play on the football is the key to success in the National Football League." Overkill! I know our collective memory and attention spans have been shot to hell by TV and video games, but i didn't forget the league name in the last ten seconds! "NFL" would be fine. And when did simply saying things like "the quarterback threw the ball" cease to be enough, instead of saying "the football." Hmm, so they seem to play football with this strange "foot-ball." I could've sworn they did it with a golf ball.

2. Speaking of game coverage, what's with the pregame show material these days? Listen, I don't care if Gibril Wilson has a pet dog that is trained to attacking anything named Brady, or if Archie Manning withheld food until Cooper, Peyton, and Eli perfected pre-snap cadence in the backyard. All I want, and all we need as fans getting ready to watch a game is to see how Team A lines up against Team B. This means actual game film! Enough puff pieces and lame studio stammering. Somebody please save Ron Jaworski from Kornheiser and put him back on Edge NFL Matchup. Jaws can really break down film, but he just forgot momentarily during Super Bowl XV.

3. Prevent defense - Why oh why do "football" teams in the "National Football League" go into The Prevent. Coaches must thinki, "Let's see, we are winning this game and the other team has to drive pretty far to score. How bout we got soft and let them gain 15 yards a clip?" No! I understand that the clock is the biggest obstacle facing a team trying to score with little time left but to score they have to move down the field. Come on!

4. The Running Into / Roughing the Kicker penalty is a killer. The defense does its job and the opposing coach decides to kick. On the kick a player breaks through and jumps in midair. Scenario A) he blocks the kick! In doing so, his momentum carries him. There is a dash to recover the fumble. The guy who blocks it is the man. Scenario B) he just misses blocking the kick and his momentum carries him forward. During the kicker's follow through, his leg comes down and lands on the player, making the kicker fall and gyrate on the ground like a weasel. Out comes the yellow flag and a first down. The offense comes back and goes on to score and everyone hates the player who nearly blocked the kick. That player then goes out to a bar that night and gets drunk and into a fight, causing the pundits to question the character of the "National Football League."
*Note - Since I am small in stature but possess strong legs, I would be a kicker if I played football. This means I would participate in this charade while wearing a Landetta one-bar facemask.

BONUS SUPER BOWL MINI RANTS

1. "The team that has won the coin toss has a record of...." Just stop.
2. Fox please do not show every celebrity in the stands at the game. I'm glad Jim Belushi has a new show. He could use the work. But I did not (and never will) tune into the E! Network. The football game is ON THE FIELD!
3. Oh, one final thing Fox, nothing SCREAMS football like Ryan Seacrest.

Greatest Team Ever?

The '76 Steelers. The '95 Cowboys. And now, the '07 Patriots. As the discussion about the greatest football team ever continues, I give you an often-overlooked powerhouse. The Glasgow Diamonds.

Weekend Roundup

(Ed. Note: Axel Freed, your humble editor, will be writing multiple columns each week, beginning every Monday morning with the Weekend Roundup, which is a quick recap of what you may have overlooked while you were partying/sleeping it off.)

Tiger Style - Tiger easily wins the Buick Open, cruising to an eight-stroke victory. The only way to make these tournaments that Eldrick plays in anywhere near competitive is to Vegasify them, with prop bets. Over/Under on how many times Tiger putts, fist pumps, has an awkward man-hug with caddy, number of large toothy grins, etc.

Boot Suit Riot - Tom Brady, impeccably dressed, announced at a Patriots rally that he is going to be fine for the Super Bowl. He is healthy and still an absolute dreamboat. After being annoyed by the press all last week and constantly having to answer questions, Brady has had a rough time since the Conference Championships. That is, until he goes home each night and sleeps with his supermodel girlfriend on a bed covered in money.

Celtic Pride - Hedo Turkoglu's buzzer beater sent Boston to its fifth loss in the last ten games. Sound the alarm, wake the children, send out an APB! If wanting every Boston team to slowly start losing in every sport is wrong, I don't want to be right. Now that this basketball news is out of the way, we can focus on boots, and rallies for the Pats, the real hard-hitting important news!

Welcome to The Whiff

Welcome to the launch of The Whiff - The Whiff is a sports-based blog, with plenty of commentary, analysis, and discussion of the world of sports, with movies, music, TV, and anything else sprinkled in. As the site evolves, feel free to comment and email as much as humanly possible. In the first few weeks, you'll be getting to know our writers and standard weekly columns, but the blog will be updated throughout each work day with links, pictures, videos, and anything else that will distract you from your day. Enjoy

Coming Soon....

The Whiff is currently under construction and will be launching soon. Stay tuned....