TBPF's Windsor Wednesday

This Week’s Career B-Lister: Jeff Hackett

Drafted by the New York Islanders in the second round of the 1987 NHL Entry Draft, Jeff Hackett was placed behind possible future lister Kelly Hrudey on the Islanders goaltending roster. Hackett split his first two seasons with New York and the Springfield Indians of the AHL. He led Springfield to a Calder Cup win in 1990 and was awarded the Jack A. Butterfield Trophy, for most valuable player of the (AHL) playoffs. This brought our subject into the spotlight for a more permanent NHL career, but as our piece elucidates, this would not be one spent in that same spotlight very long. After his 1990-91 season with the Islanders, the brand-spanking new San Jose Sharks nabbed Hackett in the 1991 NHL Expansion Draft (for the record, each existing team could protect two goaltenders from the draft; Hackett was not protected. Oof). The floundering Sharks (see what I did there) held the Hack for only two seasons, trading him to the Chicago Blackhawks prior to '93-94 to backup the legendary Ed Belfour for several seasons. A few years later, his surprisingly high level of play in '96-97 allowed the Blackhawks to trade Belfour to a developing San Jose during mid-season (in other trivia, Belfour’s backup in San Jose was none other than Mr. Hrudey himself. Backup to a backup, anyone? Double Oof.) ’97-98 saw Jeff put up a career high 8 shutouts during his only full season as the unfortunate Blackhawks top tender. Next on our musical-teams game of goalie trades, '98-99 put Hackett in a six-player trade to the Montreal Canadiens. Playing 63 games and winning 26, our man Jeffey saw his 15 minutes of fame in Montreal, but was then limited to 15 games in '00-01 due to injury. 18 games played in '01-02 caused a falling from the starting position to 2002 Vezina Trophy winner Jose Theodore. Mid-way through '02-03, our journeyman found himself in a three-way trade which sent him back to San Jose, essentially on a glorified flight transfer to Boston to play for the ever-ursine Bruins. With the pace slowing down and the end in sight for our pseudo-hero, Hackett played only 21 games that year and signed on the first day of free agency with the Philadelphia Flyers during the off-season. Starting off promising in his twilight, he fought for two shutouts in his first two games, then 9 wins, 2 loses and 6 ties in his first 17 games. December let back the curtain though, when old man Hackett lost six starts in a row. Diagnosed with vertigo on January 22, the tide went out for our boy, and after a single AHL game for the Philadelphia Phantoms on February 6, Hackett retired on February 9, 2004. Jeff Hackett has since come to be associated with unfortunate teams, always trying to catch a break but never catching that train. Thanks, Jeff Hackett…for being just good enough to weight a trade.

Jeez, Jeff Hackett really got me going. So long winded! I really enjoy these pieces. Nostalgia. There’s more where that came from. I’ll shorten them in the future, but this was two weeks in the making.

#*@! The Nielson Ratings

So CBS just came out with their renewal schedule for next season. Here’s the results:

Renewed for next season:

Big Bang Theory
Cold Case
Criminal Minds
CSI
CSI: Miami
CSI: New York
Ghost Whisperer
NCIS
Numb3rs
Two and A Half Men
Without A Trace

I hate CBS. 8 out of 10 shows renewed for next season are crime dramas with little to no resemblance to the real world of law enforcement. The other three star either a hot piece of Hewitt, some unknown looker from that John Ritter show (RIP Little Ben Healy), or Charlie Sheen and some sort of half-complete-man abomination. Numb3rs?! I gave that 6 episodes when it first started. Once again, I drastically underestimated the complete ineptitude of the Nielson ratings to determine what anyone but our grandparents watch.

Series' CBS previously renewed for next season:

The Amazing Race
Survivor

At the risk of sounding slightly smarter than a 5^th grader, Duh.

Series' CBS hasn't said anything about for next season:

Cane
How I Met Your Mother
Jericho
Moonlight
New Adventures of Old Christine
Rules of Engagement
Shark
The Unit
Welcome to the Captain

Cane. Lol. Also, Shark. Rofl.

So, the 100-day writers’ strike is over, just in time to stop my hyperventilation at the thought of Lost being pulled 8 episodes in. Unfortunately, this means Conan O’Brien will probably go back to his previous format, instead of ziplining onto his desk with a rocket helmet like everyone wants.

There is a trailer up for “Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2: Attack of the Clones,” and I include this in my column for one reason and one reason only: it’s important. These are things we all need to be aware of. They made another one. Keep that with you. Close to you. Like a homeless man on the streets of Brussels clutching a Stella Artois, never let that go. Also, this opens the door for a number of other useless sequels, which were just waiting for someone to test the water, like “Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood 2: Cruise Control” and “Practical Magic 2: The Scorpion King.”

After 1 year, 10 months and 5 days, the discs have stopped flying. The format war between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray is officially over, with Toshiba (originators of HD-DVD) announcing a few days ago that they will end the disc-shed and meaningless loss of disc. Blu-Ray is now king, after numerous back-door deals and mucho in-bed-with support, and maybe now Sony can actually start making money. Probably not though. The PS3 definitely helped win the format war for the media giant, but it still cost them 350 million dollars in profits and hasn’t made a dime yet. Great Job. Betamax.

That’s all the movie news I found interesting, not much going on. The music scene has been boring as well, I’ll work on a review for next week. There is some tech news though, if you care about me at all.

Scienterrific American and the Tech-Shack Shooters

The U.S. government will be blowing up a failed spy satellite tonight, which should take place somewhere around 10:30 ET and coinciding with the lunar eclipse. The satellite will be blown into itty-bitty pieces of space junk in order to avoid a possible situation if the whole school bus-sized hunk crashes in a fiery holocaust where there are people having a picnic with sandwiches and lemonade and family togetherness. Despite the fact that it would almost definitely just fall into the billion miles of ocean we have, the military must have decided it would be “fun” to spend $10 million blowing something up. These guys should collect baseball cards or something, cause their current hobby is breaking my fiscal heart. If you have a telescope, observatory, or Bionic Woman-style robotic eyeball, you can probably/maybe/probablynot see something tonight before you catch the latest CSI: NY that you prefer to watch live.

In a recent study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison, it was found that 2/3 of people surveyed inexplicably thought there was something “morally wrong” with nanotechnology. After analyzing the data, and being dumbfounded as to why that many people would think there was anything morally incorrect about really small machines, they conducted another study, and found that 2/3 of people surveyed also think Lord of the Rings was a documentary. That second study is fake, but considering the actual one, it might as well be real.

Computer company Everex is getting ready to ship it’s ultra-mobile, ultra-cheap laptop aimed at the lower-class computer consumer, called the “CloudBook”, but the shipment was delayed by – you guessed it – inclement weather. No further comment.

NASA has been planning a base of operations on the south pole of the moon for quite some time now. Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it. Always talking, jabbering on and on about that base. Jeez, NASA, give it a rest! But their new “thing” to blabber about is the satellite phone network they are testing which will let colonists at the base communicate with robots and crap who are out playing low-grav volleyball on the moonbeach. Called MoonLite, the network will resemble satellite networks used in the 80’s and 90’s, and will only be accessible using Zack Morris® brand cell phones. I can’t wait for the inevitable jump-scare movies that feed off of this, like the cleverly titled “Lunacy,” or the tentatively titled “When A Stranger Calls – Moon Calls!”

Osaka robotic scientists showcased their cooking robot, the EZ Order Robot, last week, which responds to audible directions and cues to cook such delicacies as Octopus balls from scratch. That’s nice and all, but until it pleasures me afterwards and lets me talk trash about its parents while I beat it, this robot’s got nothing on my current cook.

About two weeks ago, Best Buy sold a bunch of Insignia digital picture frames from China that had a virus built into the software from production, and told users to plug them into their PCs and run antivirus software to eliminate it. Well, turns out that wasn’t the best thing to do, as the Trojan virus was much worse than expected and is immune to basically all consumer level antivirus software. It can steal lots of information and send it out, and though it was only set to retrieve gaming passwords now, it could be a test for a much more malignant virus in the near future. If things get worse, sources say Best Buy will be deploying a special teams force to take out the picture frames, led by a guy with a laser-whip coming out of his pinky finger.

Scientists think Mars’ water supply may have been “too salty” to ever support a great deal of known life, all but debunking the recently popular theory that Mars was and still may be inhabited by an advanced civilization of giant Martian slugs.

Bats have been dying off by the thousands in New York and Vermont, attributed to the “White Nose Syndrome,” dubbed so for the white ring of fungus found on the dead bats nose. No one knows what it actually is, how it works, or how to stop it, and it is actually a very serious threat to the bat population until more is discovered about the affliction. In the meantime, if you see a bat with a white ring around it’s nose, instead of running in abject fear with arms flailing, take a chapter from my Saturday Night Fun Guide and coax the bat into staying with you for the night, drug it, then bring it in to your local vet for tests.

Scientists have discovered a technique to figure out someones age just by looking into their eyes. Using radiocarbon dating, the method tests levels of things called lens crystallines that develop around birth stay that way for the rest of our lives. They can pretty accurately predict ages, to within about one and a half years using this technique, which could be useful in identifying dead bodies. Also useful for me at the mall, when I can’t tell if the girl I’m checking out is 15, or 13 and a half. These things are important. Look for me also practicing at the bar, in a procedure akin to Larry David’s lie test from Curb.

Duke University is home to the worlds largest 802.11n wireless network, supposedly, and is expanding it’s coverage to become even bigger, crushing the competition much like it’s basketball fans would have you believe. Dick Vitale doesn’t know what any of this means, but climaxed in his pants nonetheless.

There’s more, but I’m sure you don’t care. And I’m spent. Here’s a final note.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Birthday Party Friend

In a personal piece, I’d just like to touch on something, well, personal. It’s about neckties, and the wearing of them, specifically the eponymous act of tying. You see dodes, I went to catholic high school (are you supposed to capitalize “catholic,” I don’t remember, I’m not actually [C,c]atholic), and we had to wear one of two things for our masculine bodices: a school logo polo shirt, sold at the book store for a miniscule 19.99 USD, a small price to pay for such convenience, OR the traditional collared dress shirt and tie. During the colder months, the short-sleeved polo simply was not thermally efficient, and the switch to business-casual was inevitable. Me and my fellow students wore neckties every day for about 5 months out of the year, and we grew to become observant of the various ways people tied their man-cessories. Thus grew my, and many of my peers’, disdain for the Single Windsor Knot.

The Single Windsor Knot is the “Larry the Cable Guy” of the necktie knot world. It’s lazy, it’s sloppy, and worst of all, it thinks there’s nothing wrong with what it’s doing. And just like that unfortunate rube of “comedy,” if you prefer it, that says a lot about who YOU are. Now, I’m sure I’ve offended someone who doesn’t really care about what their necktie knot looks like, and I wish I didn’t either. But the fact of the matter is, men have to wear ties. As silly as they are when you really look at them, it is just not acceptable to omit them from our wardrobe. And if we must wear them, why not wear them with dignity and poise. I say all of this because just the other day, a coworker with an authoritative position approached me with questions of some seriousness. He was not scolding me for something I did, but was merely alerting me to the fact that I was going about something a little untraditionally. I won’t get into the matter, but I’ll let you know that it was definitely nitpicking, and he was definitely expecting me to listen very carefully to his advice. During the conversation, I noticed he was wearing the ever-unfortunate Single Windsor Knot, and upon observing, immediately became irreverent of what he was saying. Had he taken the time to tie a Double Windsor, or even a Standard, I would’ve taken him to heart. But instead, I mocked his ability to instruct me of anything while that awkward mess stared me in the face. He looked like someone had told him just that morning that he had to wear a tie to work, and he didn’t know how to tie it so he made one up. He looked terrible. The knot actually made me feel superior to him. Very superior. In comparison to him and his tie, he made me feel like this:

I made this. I have to take credit.

And I don’t want to feel like that. I really don’t. But I did. I didn’t listen to him, and I probably won’t until he learns how to tie a Double Windsor. So please, next time you put on a tie, think of me, and how much I don’t want to feel like a zookeeper in the monkey cage watching chimps put on people clothes.

And there we have it. Sorry for the week delay, it won't happen again. Well no, it probably will happen again. And I'll get to those hotdogs eventually.

I leave you with this classic:

If you'll excuse me, I'm late for a date with The Humunga Cowabunga From Down Unda.